How To: Never Fall Out of Love

Besties, our most asked question is "what is it like dating interracially?" but our second???!!

"How have y'all been together for NINE years?"

So we're finally answering it.

This week we're talking about what actually keeps a long-term relationship healthy, from communication and trust to keeping the spark alive, learning your partner, and why some couples grow together while others slowly drift apart.

If you're dating, in a long-term relationship, or single wanting insight to help your dating journey, this episode will give y'all a few things to take into your own relationship/lives

Let us know what you think and how you've stayed in love with your partner over the years!

Besties, let us know what y'all think on this one!

-Grant & Aja

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Find you a woman that hates men because she will love you more than any other woman will.

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Feedback that I was getting from men because I was empowering women made me dislike men.

SPEAKER_03 0:09

Dating a woman who is more outspoken and doesn't back down from what they believe in, it's made me a better man.

SPEAKER_00 0:16

Happy relationships come with never letting go of the reins, never stop planning dates, never stop being spontaneous. How is it that you and Grant are together for nine years? It's because we genuinely like each other. What's up, y'all? Welcome to another episode of the Hanging Out Forever podcast. My name is Asia Corin, your hostess with the most. And I'm here with my boyfriend, Wonderful Man, nine years, something like that. Grant Blackwell.

SPEAKER_03 0:40

I'm like, eh, Grant Blackwell. Grant Blackwell.

SPEAKER_00 0:42

What's going on, guys? So, as you guys know, if you've been watching this podcast for a while, nine years. We have been together for nine years. Everybody's like, what's the secret? What's the secret to you guys being together for nine years? How is it that you and Grant are together for nine years? And it's because we genuinely like each other. Yeah. Like we genuinely enjoy each other's company. We genuinely enjoy each other's presence. We have a great time together. I'm not tired of you. I'm not sick of having sex with you.

SPEAKER_01 1:06

True guys. I'm not sick of waking up with you. Yeah, it's not a front. Yeah. It's really not a front. Like it's real.

SPEAKER_00 1:12

You'll know when it's a front because Grant will look dead inside and the podcast will end because he's a terrible actor.

SPEAKER_03 1:17

Yeah. So that's true. Yeah. I really just show my emotions on, you know.

SPEAKER_00 1:22

He won't be able to pretend if he hates it here. He'll just skedaddle. But we wanted to talk to you guys today about how to maintain a healthy long-term relationship. Yes. Because that's a question that I feel like we get a lot through DMs or in comments and social.

SPEAKER_03 1:37

Just in general, too. When I talk to people and they, you know, hear that I'm in a long-term relationship, they're like, how do you do it? And it seems like this crazy taboo thing now at this point because it's it's so rare, I guess, you know.

SPEAKER_00 1:51

Yeah. I think I think it is rare. Like when I tell people how long we've been together, in my mind, we're still so young and youthful and vibrant. So when I say nine years, it doesn't really feel like that crazy to me. But when I tell people that we've been together for nine years, they like trip out. Especially they get they get really weird when they find out that we've been together nine years and we're not married or engaged. Yeah. And a lot of people measure the worth of our relationship by whether or not we're married or engaged to one another. And I think that that's a common misconception is if you don't have the ring, where's the ring, girl? You don't have the ring. He doesn't want you. You're letting the man get the cow in the milk for free. We've been in it, I think longer than it's. Yeah, I think longer than average marriages. We've definitely been together. But it's just so funny how people conflate or people confuse marriage with happiness. Yes. And we're here to tell you that you do not have to be married to your partner in order to have a long-term healthy relationship. I will say that that is not an excuse to allow a man not to marry you if you have expressed that marriage is important to you. Yeah. That is a difference. So with us, we're on the same page about marriage, we're on the same page about our relationship. And when we're ready to get married, we'll be married. When we're ready to get engaged, we'll be engaged. But you do not have to measure your relationship by the standard of marriage in order to have a healthy, happy relationship. Because we've been together nine years and we have way more open communication than a lot of these married people. I'll tell you that.

SPEAKER_03 3:19

That's the thing. Like, I mean, if you're listening to this, I really think that you need to get to a point where you are fully prepared and ready for marriage because marriage shouldn't be taken lightly, you know. And I think that we, I'm not gonna say that we respect marriage more than other people that just kind of like jump into it, but we really do I would say that take our time. Yeah. Like we're we're really taking our time, and we don't see marriage as just something that we need to check off the list or we need to like do, or you know, I've been waiting my whole life to be a bride or to be a groom. That's not our vibe. We definitely are like, we want to be on the same page, we want to get things together, make sure everything is good, make sure all the you know T's are crossed and all that, and then we can take that step. And then we can uh because yeah, like marriage is something that um uh I don't take lightly. Yeah, you know, and I think that we really just need to be on point and ready for it. Yeah, and and I think we are now.

SPEAKER_00 4:19

I definitely agree. I think we are as well. And again, our standard does not have to be everybody else's standard. Like there are lots of people who want to get married and then figure it out. That's not me. I'm highly neurotic. I would say that I'm somewhat of a type A personality. So I feel like if we were to get married and things started falling apart, I wouldn't be able to handle it because that's not how I see marriage.

SPEAKER_03 4:39

You know, like what do you think is what do you think is a healthy amount of years to date somebody before you get married?

SPEAKER_00 4:44

Um, I think that before you get married, you should be with somebody at least three or four years. Any less than three years, I think is a little that's pretty fast.

SPEAKER_03 4:52

I would say five.

SPEAKER_00 4:53

I don't like that. Five years.

SPEAKER_03 4:57

I think it takes about five years to get a good like foundation built and it's real, you know what I mean? You guys have communicated enough about everything. You know what I mean? I mean, um I think I think, especially for men, like it it takes us a while to get on the communication train, most of us. It takes us a while to learn how to properly communicate with our partners. Okay, and so I think about five years, at five years, you should be fully able to communicate and express yourself, and uh you should understand your partner's you know, way that they express themselves and communicate. I think about five years is good.

SPEAKER_00 5:33

But do you think that five years is an acceptable amount of time to wait for somebody to become a great communicator? Like if you're that's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_03 5:39

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't say it's gonna take five years to become a good communicator. I'm saying that throughout that process, you know what I mean? In about two years, you should know how to communicate. You know what I mean? You should know how to communicate, you should know how to talk with your partner. But I think five years, you guys will have it down, Pat. You know, like you guys will have everything uh together.

SPEAKER_00 6:03

Okay. I feel like five years is a long time for most people.

SPEAKER_03 6:07

I feel like five years, yeah, but most people get divorced.

SPEAKER_00 6:11

That's true too. But I feel like five years is a long time for most people who value marriage and see it as the next step in their relationship, and that it's something important for them to do as soon as possible. Like with us, we didn't really care that much about marriage until we were like seven or eight years into our relationship. And now we're like, oh yeah, like let's talk about getting engaged, let's talk about getting married. So I think that it is different. But I will say that at first, when you were like, oh, five years is a bare minimum uh is the minimum, especially for men, I was like, why? But you're talking about men to get on the same page because I thought you were gonna say, like, we really have to know our partners and make sure you're not using us, which you know I hate. But I am rebranding, guys. I have I'm rebranding. I did some soul keeping it.

SPEAKER_02 6:56

She likes men now. No, no, no, no, she doesn't.

SPEAKER_00 6:59

I just thought that I dislike men, it's that I don't want to disparage them. I do want to keep it real about the gender differences socially and culturally. But I have I'm rebranding and I'm no longer gonna be overly aggressive because the I realize I lost the plot. That's that's the theme, really. Before we started the podcast, I was very much like, I want men and women to learn how to come together to be in healthy relationships. Yeah. And then as I put myself, we put ourselves out there online, I saw how much ridicule I was receiving from men by trying to empower women to take the reins on their relationships and to demand healthier relationships.

SPEAKER_03 7:39

Why is that your fault? I I know, but like you're empowering women so many. No, no, no.

SPEAKER_00 7:43

I love to empower women. But my point is, is the feedback that I was getting from men because I was empowering women made me dislike men. Let me just say that changed things for me.

SPEAKER_03 7:55

So the men out there, find you a woman that hates men because she will love you more than any other woman will. It's true, it's so true. Because if she hates men, think about it, if she hates men and she chose you, there's something special about you. There's something special. She saw through, you know, all the masculinity and all that crap that you have on you, and she chose you, you know.

SPEAKER_00 8:19

So I like it.

SPEAKER_03 8:20

I uh yeah, I mean, like I love being with a woman that hates men.

SPEAKER_01 8:23

I don't want to say hate, I don't want to say hate men because I'm rebranding. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:27

She's rebranding, she's rebranding, so she doesn't hate men. Yeah. Um, but how did you describe it? You just like you like telling the truths of both genders.

SPEAKER_00 8:37

I like to empower women. Yeah. I like to display.

SPEAKER_03 8:40

So that means you hate men nowadays, pretty much.

SPEAKER_00 8:42

Oh, that's true. They do conflate that with male hatred. That's true. Yeah. But I feel like, you know, when we first started the podcast, and we'll get into the topic in a second, but when we first started the podcast, I was very much like, I want men and women to come together so they can experience what we're experiencing, right? So that they can love how we're loving and communicate how we're communicating and find some common ground between the two. Because I also wanted people to know that they weren't alone in their relationship struggles because everything online is a highlight reel. Yeah. You see, all of these couples and they're getting engaged in Italy and they're traveling the world together and they never fight and they make all this couple's content, and you just like get lost in the perfection of their relationship. Yeah. So you think that that's how all relationships should be. And I was, I found myself guilty of that as well. Like I would look at these online couples and be like, oh my God, they're so happy, they're so pretty, they're so healthy, they're so rich.

SPEAKER_03 9:30

Trust me, I remember that. Yep.

SPEAKER_00 9:32

Thank you. And um, I wanted to start the podcast so that people who who felt like they were feeling bad about themselves because how they what they were going through wasn't being reflected back at them. It anchored them. I wanted to create something that anchored people and through empowering women to be like, speak up, communicate your needs, talk about what type of sex you like, talk about how your feelings are hurt, talk about how you need your needs met, you know, through things, talk about autonomy and um agency of your body, you know, and setting boundaries with your man. Speaking about these types of things online, I've realized how much backlash you get for empowering women because women people consider women as things that are supposed to be subjugated. Yeah. And that's very difficult. And it caused me, it warped my perception of. I don't think, see, the thing is, I don't want to say it warped my perception of men. I think it made the way that I perceive men and see men clearer than ever. And that made me angry. That made me angry at men because I was very much like, you don't want women to be happy, you just want to be fat, you know, uh laid and laid up. You want to be fat, laid, and laid up. That's all you want to do. You know, you just want to be chilling, you know?

SPEAKER_03 10:46

Well, I think there are a lot of good men out there. I think that we see a lot of the dark side of men on the internet because of the content that we make and stuff. Um, and I do think that there's like a a culture, a culture being built online of these toxic men. So it seems like a lot more because they're all just in one place. You know what I mean? So it seems like there's a lot more of them. Yeah. And even if even if most men do think kind of the same way, there's a lot more men who will just kind of let things slide and be like, you know what, maybe I disagree with this, but I'm open to seeing where they're coming from. Where there's a uh where there's another like um group of men where if they get, you know, if they see something they disagree with, they're gonna just stand on their uh opinion about it forever and never see where you're coming from.

SPEAKER_00 11:37

Well I hear that, but I what made it difficult for me and why I lost the plot with our podcast, or why I feel sometimes I've lost the plot, which is helping people maintain healthy relationship dynamics, which I'm definitely doing for women. But I don't feel like I'm keying men on, I don't feel like I'm keying men in on how to understand women so that women can have healthy relationships with men. I'm really just teaching women what not to stand for, which worked for me and I definitely think works for a lot of women.

SPEAKER_03 12:02

It's tougher to teach men because if you're not, if they're not being taught in the way that they want you to teach them, then they're just gonna shut down and not even listen to what you have to say. Yeah. They're just gonna immediately judge, you know. And as a man, I feel like dating a woman who is more outspoken and will share her feelings right away and um you know, doesn't back down from a fight, doesn't back down from what they believe in. It's made me a better man. Like it really has. Because it's it's shown me it's just it makes me, I don't know, it personally makes me like really respect my partner when they have a strong opinion on something and they will fight for it. You know what I mean? And even if we disagree, or maybe like we butt heads, or maybe it brings an argument longer than it needs to be, it we end up getting on the same page at the end of it. Yeah, you know, because we you have the only thing that can't be missing is respect. You both have to respect each other. If if your partner, if your um girlfriend or wife, whatever doesn't respect you, that's a whole different situation, you know, because then you guys will never get on the same page and you guys are just combative.

SPEAKER_00 13:14

Well, not never, you do have to learn respect. There's a period of time in our relationship where I feel like we lost respect for each other and we gained that back, and now we're on equal footing with how we approach conversations and conflict because we come from a place of respect.

SPEAKER_03 13:29

I think we respected each other. I just think that there wasn't fully trust there of like I can't trust you to do this, I can't trust you to do that, but we always respected each other. I feel like there was always respect there. Maybe there was um a little bit of like regret, or there was like a little bit of um, what's the word I'm thinking of? Resentment. There was a little bit of resentment, but I think we always respected each other. I just couldn't see, I think it's so hard to get back from not respecting somebody. Like it's so hard to gain somebody's respect after you've already lost it.

SPEAKER_00 14:04

Yeah. I mean, I don't I don't agree. We when we broke up, I didn't feel like I had a lot of respect for you. Like during our breakup time, like, but we're back together stronger than ever, and I respect you more than ever. Yeah. You know, like I loved you and I cared about you, but I feel like there was a general level, there was a general level of respect, you're right. But I felt I feel like as I would have wanted to respect my man, that was something that I had lost along the way. And now I have back. So I don't want to say that, oh, you can't respect your partner. Once you lose respect, it's lost. I I would never say something like that because I I personally have come back from something like that.

SPEAKER_03 14:38

Well, I think it's really hard to come back after the respect.

SPEAKER_00 14:41

It is hard.

SPEAKER_03 14:42

It's really hard to come back in a relationship after the respect is lost for for either partner. I will say that. That it is hard. It's really hard to gain that respect back, you know, because they pretty much they already see you as like somebody that they could just live without, or somebody that their life would probably be better without you. And I think that that's um at the end of the day, ultimately what ends up splitting couples together or splitting couples up, and then they permanently stay split up. They don't like just get back together right away, you know.

SPEAKER_00 15:12

Yeah, I don't know. I we'll have a different conversation about the you know the respect factor because I definitely think we disagree on that one. But um, but I appreciate that's okay your stance. That's okay to disagree. Your stance.

SPEAKER_03 15:23

I respect your stance. Okay. There we go.

SPEAKER_00 15:26

But um, we say all of that, we preface all of this, right? With how to maintain and manage a healthy long-term relationship with your partner and to explore something with them that doesn't make you tired of them. So, like I said before, we've been together nine years. People think that that's absolutely insane, especially because we're not married. They devalue our relationship because of that. But some people are like, you guys must be extra locked in because you spent nine years together, um, not married. So, what I will say is in order to have a healthy long-term relationship with your partner, the foundation is definitely respect, love, trust, and loyalty. And if you don't have those things, it's gonna be very difficult for you to move forward with your man or your woman because you have to feel emotionally safe more than anything else. And that's something that we have. And it's very possible to be with somebody for a long period of time and still be in love with them because you keep your relationship fresh. You have to keep your relationship fresh and new. And this is something that we had spoken about a few podcast episodes ago, where I said, I don't want to be fine, I want to be happy. You know, people who are fine, they have this baseline where they're just accepting whatever is coming to them, but they're not actually taking the reins of their relationship. And so I believe that happy relationships come with never letting go of the reins, like never stop planning dates, never stop being spontaneous with sex, never stop telling your partner that you're sexy or that you love them, or just these little gestures to make you make them aware that you're thinking about them throughout the day. And I will say that there have been times in our relationship where I have felt forgotten, but once I raise that concern with you, it's very easy for us to get back on the same page, easy for the most part. And so I don't want to say that there's never gonna be instances or circumstances where you feel lost or lonely or left behind in your relationship, but it really is just about being able to communicate that type of thing with your partner to get back on the same page and to get on track.

SPEAKER_03 17:25

I think I think a lot of men fixate on the financial security part of it, which is very important in a relationship. Like it is a huge part of it. And I do believe that you know, most people blow or most people break up because of some type of financial situation. But you have to know that like the financial security isn't everything, and it's financial security isn't something that you can use against your partner in a fight. Of like, if your partner comes to you saying, Oh, we don't do, we don't have enough dates, we don't spend enough intentional time together. The answer shouldn't be, well, because I'm working hard trying to support this family, I'm working hard trying to support myself, I'm working hard trying to support us. You know, it that can't always be um the reason why you're not doing other things in your relationship. And I've been guilty of that, you know. I've definitely there have been times where I'm like, uh yeah, I'm I'm kind of putting the responsibilities of our relationship to the wayside right now because I'm so focused on making money and like I'm you know building my business and I'm doing all these things. But that excuse never works, guys. It doesn't work, like it just pisses her off even more, trust me. And so I think it's really important to learn that balance of being able to be financially stable because that is very important, but also make sure that you're present with your partner and being intentional and still um putting time aside to spend with her and to to uh plan dates and to plan certain things, like that stuff is just as important as the financial, it really is. So that's my advice to guys is is to like make sure that you're keeping in mind that balance. It's not just money now, you know what I mean? Like, it's not all about uh making the money and paying the bills and stuff like that. It's not just that.

SPEAKER_00 19:21

What are some ways you think that men should be more intentional and present-minded in their relationships with like their women, their girlfriend, their wives?

SPEAKER_03 19:28

I think that you just need to make sure that you are loving her and giving her attention in the way that she needs it, you know, like because a lot of women are different in the way that they receive um, you know, the love language thing they say. You know, maybe it's gifts, maybe it's surprising them. Women love surprises, by the way. Like if you surprise them with anything, they will be grateful for it. You know what I mean? So you don't even gotta spend no money. It's just uh as long as you surprise them with something. If you come home one day and be like, hey babe, get dressed, we're going to do this thing. You know what I mean? Like just something spontaneous. They like spontaneous stuff. So uh that'd be that'd be a good thing to like make sure how you're having intentional time with them. Um, even if you're doing it at home, just be like, hey, uh I went to the, you know, I went to the grocery store, I got us some dinner, I'm gonna make us something nice. We can sit, have a movie, talk, you know what I mean? Just little things like that. Uh, making sure, even telling them, being like, hey, tonight let's have some intentional time. Tonight let's do this, tonight let's do that, like plan something. You know, I think that that's a good, a good thing to do. And that's something that um, you know, I I gotta like take blame here too, that it's hard for me to balance that sometimes. It's hard for me to be present and be like, hey, uh, let's take some time together. Sometimes it's hard to do that if you have so many things going on. Um, you know, you never know what people are going through with work and with all this stuff. But I'll I'll say that making sure that your partner is happy and that you guys are on the same page and in a good place, it will help everything in your life. It really will. It will take away so much stress. So it's good to keep keep that in mind.

SPEAKER_00 21:13

I think it's a big thing too. Men taking the initiative to plan things, taking the initiative to show that they're interested in you, asking you questions about your day, planning things randomly, you know, taking you on dates. Also, I want to say there was this one occasion where I was like, take your man on a date. You should take your man on a date. And all the men in the comments were like, only simps get taken on dates. Y'all don't listen to them.

SPEAKER_02 21:34

What the hell, take me on a damn date? Yeah, what?

SPEAKER_00 21:37

I take you on I've taken you on dates.

SPEAKER_02 21:38

I know, that's what I'm saying. I love it.

SPEAKER_00 21:40

Yeah. I feel like in order to keep a spark in your relationship, a part of it is reciprocity. And as much as I, as a woman, want to be like showered with gifts and shower with affection and shower with love and sex and all these other things, I also need to give that back to you as well. So there'll be times where. I've seen that you work really, really hard. And that's something I try to always acknowledge with you. And this is something I think a lot of people should do in their relationships both ways, is that you really need to acknowledge and honor how much work your partner puts in on a daily basis, whether they're a stay-at-home mom, stay-at-home dad, they're a nurse, whatever their occupation is. You have to acknowledge that they're working hard at that and see them for that and gift them for that, reward them for that and let them know, like, I see how hard you're working. There will be times where I'm like, wow, Grant stayed up three nights in a row getting deadlines. Grant stayed up three nights in a row, meeting deadlines, and he met every single one of them. Now he has three happy clients, and we have no problems, and the money pipeline keeps rolling. And so I'll be like, I'm gonna go do something cute. And I'll literally go to the dollar store, maybe spend sixteen dollars, twenty bucks, and I'll get you a basket. I'll like get you a basket with a card, I'll write in it how much I appreciate you, how much how hard I see you working, I'll get you your favorite candies, your sodas.

SPEAKER_03 23:02

That's what I'm saying. Like it as long as it's some type of intentional thing like that, like it's amazing.

SPEAKER_00 23:07

Yeah. Does that actually are you like this cheap ass hoe? No, this cheap ass hoe within a dollar spot.

SPEAKER_03 23:12

I like it. I love it, yeah. No, because it's like, oh, they're thinking of me. And that exchange goes back and forth, you know, because I mean, like one week I'll be freaking staying up all night working on deadlines, and then the next week you'll be, you know, working with some new people or just have a lot going on that week. It that sh that exchange needs to go back and forth. You know, I'm not saying to the guys like, oh, you need to constantly be doing this for your woman. Like, they need to show reciprocation. You know, it's really important that it's a back and forth thing, and one person's not building resentment towards the other, or it becomes some tit for tat situation. So that's really important too. That and that goes back to that respect thing, too. I think the foundation of that is respecting one another. And because when you respect somebody, you want to show them love, you want to show them that you're being intentional.

SPEAKER_00 24:01

Yeah, and you just have to show up for your partner, you have to show up for your man. For sure. You have to show up for your man, and this isn't, you know, you know, like I said, I lost a plot. But this is not me being like, yes, pick me, show up for your man no matter what. No, if he sucks, drop his ass.

SPEAKER_03 24:19

But I will say that this would be worth it.

SPEAKER_00 24:21

Yeah, like you have you should show up for your man in ways that make him seen. And this is something that I'll concede on. I do feel like, like on holidays or men's birthdays, people don't know what to get men because I don't want to say that they're undervalued, but it is difficult to find out what men like and what men enjoy and how to gift them. So I think it's important if you're in a long-term relationship or want to be in a long-term relationship, you figure out how your man feels appreciated so that you can give him things that feet make him feel appreciated. Now, if it's the kind of guy who's just like me off, that's pretty shallow. That's kind of lame. Like, yeah. Like if you're with the kind of guy that's just like sex, sex is all I need, that's weird to me. Yeah, like do you have a more than just sex? Do you have something you like? Do you have something that makes you feel special? Like, I got your favorite sour candy from the chevron, and you're asking for top instead. You know, it's like, I don't want to do that today. You know, so it's like those types of things. But I think that you just have to find a good balance on how to show up for your partner and really learn your man, because it is, I will say, difficult for most men to express what it is that they like and what they enjoy. And for that to be communicated in a way where you understand that that's something you could gift him in the future. Like getting to know you, I'm like, okay, he likes comedy, he likes sour candy, he likes freaking uh this donut shop up the street, and he likes ham and cheese croissants and this specific bagel from this bagel bagel place.

SPEAKER_03 25:49

And so, like you kind of have to take inventory on like what the person likes and yeah, the patterns.

SPEAKER_00 25:54

Yeah, taking inventory of your partner is one of the most important things you can do for a healthy long-term relationship. Yeah. Um, and also just being present with them and understanding their communication style. And throughout our relationship, it's been difficult for me to have empathy for your communication style because I'm so put it all out there.

SPEAKER_03 26:15

Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_00 26:16

And there will be times where I'm like, what's wrong with you? What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong? You're like, nothing's wrong, nothing's wrong. And I'm like, no, something's off, and you don't even know it's off. And that would frustrate me because I would be able to identify something was off before you were able to identify something was off.

SPEAKER_03 26:30

Well, I think it was just before I was ready to talk about it or express it.

SPEAKER_00 26:34

Maybe, but there have been specific times where I've been like, something is wrong, and you're like, yeah, I didn't even like it'll be two days later until you're like, I didn't realize that this was happening to me or this was what was wrong with me. Um, so being able to take inventory of your partner's emotional and mental state and being able to show up for them with that and play, I don't know, offense or defense. I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 26:58

The one where you defense is like you're defending, offense is like you're going towards, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:04

To to jump on it before it gets out. Yeah, yeah. So offense.

SPEAKER_03 27:06

It's offense.

SPEAKER_00 27:07

Sports. Um, I think that that type of thing is really, really important and very valuable. Especially, especially for men who because women are generally taught how to express their emotions. So when you get with a man, you might need to have some level of patience, understanding his exact communication style. Because I that was something that was very difficult for me in the beginning was understanding how to navigate your specific communication style. Because my parents, their divorce was really turbulent. My mom also taught me how to be very, very expressive with my emotions. Every day she would come home and be like, So, what was two good things about your three good things about your day, three bad things about your day? She always wanted to know how we were. She was always doing a temp check. And then with my dad, he's also very expressive, you know. So I've grown up around expressive people and very much not that way.

SPEAKER_03 27:57

Your parents are extremely reserved.

SPEAKER_00 27:59

So when I would ask you how you felt, or if you liked me and I didn't feel like I was getting the feedback that I needed that was necessary for me to make certain decisions about our relationship moving forward, it became difficult for me to navigate.

SPEAKER_01 28:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:11

And over time I just had to understand you and your communication style and understand that your withdrawal and lack of openness wasn't off, you weren't being offstandish, offstanding, outstandish.

SPEAKER_03 28:29

No, um standoffish, standoffish.

SPEAKER_00 28:32

You weren't being standoffish, that's just how you were raised. And so I really had to understand your social culture.

SPEAKER_03 28:38

I've I've just never had that big personality or like that big excitement towards things, just just because, and I think honestly, I think a lot of men are this way, is we show excitement a lot differently than women do, you know. So I think that's something to understand when you're going into a relationship with a man is like you're gonna show him you, you probably you can probably show him something that you are so excited about, and that it's like this huge accomplishment of yours. And he is probably so excited for you, you know what I mean? Like the most excited for you than any other person, your biggest supporter, but his excitement might not show in that way, and that's how I was, you know, with a lot of like uh accomplishments of yours and stuff like that. Like I would try my best to show excitement that I know you needed from me, yeah, but it's hard for me to just express it in that way. But I'm so excited for you, you know what I mean? And I'm so happy for you, I'm so proud of you, but I just don't show excitement in that way, and it is because of like just how I was raised and uh my family just didn't show excitement in that way, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:47

And and if you're dating somebody like Grant that's a little bit more reserved, laid back, shy, maybe even, just because they're not responding in a way that you've been taught is uh just because they're not responding in a way that you receive as excitement doesn't mean that they're not excited. And that was something I had to learn as well. Where my parents are like, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. And they're like going crazy, and my mom is like, Whoa, let's not do, let's eat cake. You know what I mean? Like growing up, my mom would find any reason to buy me a cake, which is why I cope with cake and ice cream all the time. Like she was always buying me cake. Anytime I had a bad day, sidebar. Anytime I had a bad day, my mom would be like, You want some cake? Yeah, which is probably terrible for me now because if I had a bad day, I want cake and ice cream. That's true. But um my parents were very, very um effusive, I think is the word. And in their and and expressive, yes, in their excitement for me. And so when we got together, I'd be like, look at this big thing, he'd be like, wow, I'd be like, fuck this guy. You don't give a fuck his ass. What the fuck is wrong with him? He don't give a shit about nobody but himself, you know. But I realized that you just have a limit to how excited you get about things. I could give Grant the biggest surprise in the world. This is Grant's gonna reaction. That's it. That's all I've ever gotten from him. That's it, yeah, that's it. Our entire life.

SPEAKER_03 31:04

But that's the thing, is like, I'm not, I might not be like doing jumping jacks all around and freaking shooting off fireworks and stuff like that, but I will be standing in the rain supporting you. I will be in the very front of that crowd, making sure I can see every minute of it and supporting you. That's the thing. Like, I will always show up and be there. Always. But I'm not gonna be like, yeah, doing jump jacks and like doing backflips and wow, you know, all crazy. Yeah, you know, I'm not gonna be like showing it in that way, but I will always show up and I'll always be there and always be supporting you, always be your number one fan, you know what I mean? So that's uh that's how I show up for people.

SPEAKER_00 31:43

Are you my number one fan, you think?

SPEAKER_03 31:45

I think so. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:48

Do you feel like I'm your number one fan?

SPEAKER_03 31:50

Yeah, what does that have been there through everything?

SPEAKER_00 31:53

What does that feel like to you?

SPEAKER_03 31:55

I think having you know, having a woman there for you that supports you through some of the hardest times of your life, you know, and I hate the whole like, oh, she was here when I was down bad, she was here when I was struggling. Like, you I don't recommend putting, you know, your girl through that. But I, you know, me and you, we've gone through so much together, and we really like fought our fought our way out of it together, and it really pushed me to be better because I wasn't just trying to be great for me, I was trying to be great for us, and that really helped his motivation to push myself to the max. And I haven't really, you know, growing up, I feel like I wasn't the I wasn't the type of person that was so confident and so like, oh, I expect great things from myself, you know. I never really put that on myself, but after being with somebody like you, I'm like, I need to achieve greatness, I need to like push myself to the max to where I can do things that I never could have imagined that I could have done. And I think that's what I've done, you know, and I've really just pushed myself. And it it you've you've pushed me too, for sure, you know what I mean? But um, it's helped in so many ways. It's like helped me become somebody that I never thought I could be, and um yeah, I I'm just like very grateful for you and very grateful for everything we've gone through, you know. It's it's been really hard, but it's been so worth it.

SPEAKER_00 33:33

Yeah. Well, yay, we made it.

SPEAKER_03 33:36

And look at us now.

SPEAKER_00 33:38

Yeah, look at us now. Do you feel like do you feel that hard? And this is not a critique on how you label it, but I'm just curious. When you think about our relationship, if you had to attribute one word to it, like an adjective, yeah, what is it? Um it's okay if it's hard. I'm just curious.

SPEAKER_03 34:03

No, it's not. I'm just saying, I said we've been through hard things. I'm not saying that like the entirety of it was hard, you know. Um but I don't know, I'm trying to think. Like one word, it's hard to put just one word on our relationship. That's so many things, you know. Um, but I do think that we've been consistent. I think consistent is good.

SPEAKER_00 34:27

That's a good word.

SPEAKER_03 34:28

Um, consistent is good. Um what would you what word would would you put on it?

SPEAKER_00 34:35

I well, I guess mine's like one and a half words. Um, I would probably say growth. Yeah. Growth. Growth, growth. Yeah. I think that growth. Growth is the word that I would probably attribute to our relationship. Um, that's not really an adjective, I don't think, but like growing, that's a verb. I don't fucking know. Yeah. Um, I change change changing changing progression. Yeah, progression.

SPEAKER_03 35:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:06

Evolution.

SPEAKER_03 35:07

Evolution. Yeah, I I would agree. I mean, I think we've gone through all the different phases. We've gone through it all.

SPEAKER_00 35:13

We've been through it, y'all. There's some things, there's some things. There's some things. There's some things that there's some things that we've been through that were really, really hard for us. And these are probably things that we will maybe never share on the podcast. Um, no cheating. I always like to clarify that.

SPEAKER_03 35:29

But yeah, that doesn't mean cheating.

SPEAKER_00 35:32

I always have to clarify that. But I think that when you find the man or the person, the woman that you're supposed to be with, it's not easy. It's not easy. But what I will say is if anybody asked me, how do you do it? I'm not gonna sit there and complain about how hard it's been.

SPEAKER_01 35:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:52

Like a lot of people do that. That actually happened to us very recently, where we were talking to somebody, this was like a week ago. We were talking to somebody, and I said, Oh, girl, how long have you been married? And she said, Five years. Woo, it is hard. It's hard.

SPEAKER_03 36:07

If that's your immediate go-to there, then yeah, that's not a good sign. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:11

We we had asked somebody, oh, how long have you guys been married? That's so sweet. And she said, Oh my god, five years, and it has been so hard. It's this and it's hard, and it's hard. And when people ask us about our relationship and how long you've been together, immediately positive. Like, it's been the best. It doesn't feel like many years. We've had so much good time.

SPEAKER_03 36:30

That's what I always say is that I'm like, it honestly does not feel like how long it's been. It's crazy when I think of that.

SPEAKER_01 36:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 36:38

When I think that, especially when I think back to like how long it's been since we met each other. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because that's even longer. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's like two extra years on top of it that we met. And I'm like, I've known her for that long, it's insane. It does not, it's like gone by like a breeze, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 36:54

And there were difficult periods of time, but we would not classify our relationship as hard. No. And I think, and if you want to build something everlasting with somebody and something that is passionate and kind and happy and respectful and present, yeah, when you start using words that associate difficulty with your relationship, you will start experiencing more difficulty in your relationship.

SPEAKER_01 37:24

That's so true.

SPEAKER_00 37:25

Like when you and I were going through our rough patches, I constantly complained about you, about me, about where our life was. And I never felt like things were happy. But when we broke up, I always say this when I when we broke up, it wiped the slate clean. And I had a realization moment where I was able to start fresh. Yeah. And we were able to start fresh. And I stopped attributing difficulty to our relationship and started attributing difficulty as a part of relationships versus it being our relationship. And that kind of became the difference.

SPEAKER_03 37:57

You have to progress internally too. Yeah, that's true. For you to um actually move forward in the relationship. So if you were, if you're stuck on, oh, it's so hard, it's hard, it's hard, this is the worst. You're just gonna be stuck there. You have to mentally be like, okay, now how do we get through it? How do we get past this? You have to always be looking forward, you know, or you can't just you can't just put your partner in this position of you're difficult to be with. You know, you have to like look past it or you have to, you know, get through it together. You have to do it together for sure.

SPEAKER_00 38:32

The more that you sulk in your relationship about how terrible it is or how unhappy you are, things are not gonna change. And this does not go for every relationship. There are some relationships that are terrible and you're unhappy. Yes. But and that's not an internal thing that you need to work through. That can be fully on top of your partner. Like maybe they're abusive emotionally, physically, all the other ones, right? And that is something that is terrible and unhappy.

SPEAKER_03 38:59

You need to know when to leave a relationship like that. Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 39:03

There is a difference. But if you're with somebody that you really want to work through things with and you keep being like, he's this, he's that, she's this, she's that, I'm so unhappy. You're never gonna be able to see your partner for what they could possibly bring to you. You're only gonna see them for how you currently view them, which is difficult, which is burdensome, which is cumbersome. And nobody wants to feel that way. And when you internalize those things, whether or not you project them, your partner will reciprocate it and they will feel those things. And then there are going to be times where they start to display certain characteristics that only reinforce how difficult and annoying and terrible you think that they are. But really, when you change your mindset around your partner, and again, this does not go for everyone, when you change your mindset around your partner and around how you are contributing to the negative aspects of your relationship, it really helps you anchor and put things into perspective. And that will change the trajectory of your relationship. Because I felt like when there were periods of our relationship where I hated myself. I hated myself. I hated looking in the mirror, I hated looking at my body, I hated doing my hair, I hated my hair, you know, and there were so many aspects of myself that I just could not stand. There was a period of time where I thought I was so ugly, not because I'm insecure about like, you know, being dark skinned, like I love my skin color. It wasn't that, it was just me, like as a presence, as a person. And I genuinely thought that I was just so ugly. And I projected that into our relationship. And then I think I projected that onto you, not to make you feel ugly, but our relationship felt ugly during that time because I internalized so much ugliness.

SPEAKER_02 40:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:46

And I projected that outwards as well. And I think once I started, I don't even know what the shift was, to be honest, but once I was able to start looking at myself in the mirror and being like, oh, that's not so bad. I I would look at myself in the mirror and not want to change things anymore or be like, oh, I just look like crap today because I haven't done my hair and whatever else. But there was a period of time where I could not look at myself. And I feel like that was one of the most difficult periods of our relationship as well, because I was a turnoff to me, I was a turn off to you, and you weren't attracted to me during that time. How can you be? How can you be attracted to somebody that hates the way that they look? You know, and I remember there would be these periods of time where you would say, Stop talking about yourself like that, and you would get so angry at me for all my negative self-talk.

SPEAKER_03 41:32

And it's just you don't want to hear somebody that you love speak to themselves, you know, in that way. And I I think a lot of it and you made the point there of it all a lot of it starts internally. Yeah. You know, if if you're not happy with the relationship that you're in, or you're not happy with your partner, it's the answer isn't to just give up on yourself. You should continue to to grow within yourself and evolve within yourself, and that will rub off on your partner, right? You know, like I think that you kind of getting things together and your life or me seeing the progression you were having definitely like lit a fire under me, you know, and so I think that it's important to keep evolving independently within a relationship because that will help your partner as well.

SPEAKER_00 42:20

That's a really big point, and we'll probably get to that like on another episode. But yeah, evolving independently of your partner while still moving forward simultaneously together is one of the most underrated aspects of a healthy relationship. Definitely. Like Grand and I, we've been together for nine years, but we are two individual people. We have two different friend groups, but we also share not a similar friend group. You have your friends, I have my friends, but we can all kind of come together as a unit. And being an individual in your relationship will prevent you from ever losing yourself in your man or in your woman. You know, I fully support you having a life outside of me. I want you to have a life outside of me. I want you to go out and do boys' trips. I want you to be gone all day and have a good time. You know? And so you have to be with somebody that supports your individuality and continuously supports your individual growth throughout the time that you are together in your committed relationship. Because it can be very, very easy to lose yourself when you are dating somebody long term. Yeah. Especially when you spend all the time in the world with them and you're like my best friend. I was telling somebody the other day, I said, Grant's my homegirl for real. I can't wait to tell him all the tea. I'd be like, I can't wait to tell Grant all the shit I heard today. But um I think that I know we said we were gonna get to princess treatment, but we we didn't have time in this episode, so we'll get to that on another episode. And for this one, we did pretty much cover like how to be intentional. Yeah, how to be intentional, how to maintain in your relationship. And then also a sexual spark, y'all.

SPEAKER_03 43:52

Keep it nasty, keep it freaky, try new things, try new things, don't be afraid to ask your partner, you know. To try new stuff.

SPEAKER_00 44:01

Right.

SPEAKER_03 44:01

Be open.

SPEAKER_00 44:02

Be open. And to my interracial couples out there, no race play ever. And if I find out that y'all are doing race play, I'm coming for that ass. Okay. No race play. That's weird. That's weird. Ever. So. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 44:17

But to wrap up the don't keep it that weird. That's too weird. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:23

That's that's dead. Yeah. Um, so to wrap up this episode, uh, my final relationship advice would be to always be your own person in your relationship. Always be your own personal relationship because if you are your own person, you will be able to bring the best version of yourself to the table every single time. You're continuously learning yourself, and you're not relying on your partner to keep you in check, and you're not relying on your partner to keep you accountable for the ways that you're changing, maybe for the for the worse. Yeah. So I would say that making sure that you maintain your individuality in a relationship is one of the most important things that you can do.

SPEAKER_03 45:01

Yeah, my advice and what I think is probably one of the most um important things to do in a relationship is to learn the balance of everything, is to learn how to balance all of the responsibilities of life outside of your relationship with the responsibilities in your relationship. That is, you know, a hard thing to do is to balance all of these things because we're all going through it, you know, like times are hard right now. So, you know, just make sure that you're continuing to balance all of that stuff out there, balancing the things that are within your relationship as well, the intentional time, um, you know, the spontaneous things you do for them. It's really important to keep up with that as you keep up with the things that you need to um, you know, that are your responsibilities in life. Yeah. So yeah, just balance. Learn balance. I'm still learning it. Like everybody, you know, I'm I'm I would assume is learning that as well, continuing to learn that.

SPEAKER_00 46:00

So that's great advice. There we go. All right, bestie. So we love y'all so much. Don't forget, if you want to tell us a story, ask us for advice, share some sort of crazy shit that's happened in your life. We do have our listener letter submission forum, bestie mail, linked below. And also, we are casting for our dating show that is also linked below. So if you want us to help you find love, go ahead and hit that submission button in our bio in the description of this video. And we're gonna we're gonna hook you up because it's hard out here. It's hard out here, especially in LA. So we want to make sure that y'all find something like what we have. It's not always perfect, but it's always great. So y'all are the best. We love you so much, and we'll catch you on the flip side, besties. Boys! Last thing, we're gonna start every single Tuesday. We're dropping an episode. I'm sorry, we haven't been doing it as frequently. I want you guys to know that you guys can expect things from us like clockwork. I have a hard time thinking I'm important. That's me being honest. So, yes, we'll start releasing things on a schedule. So we love you, besties, and you guys are the besties. Bye. Bye, guys.

SPEAKER_03 47:11

Peace.