Why Are We Always Fighting?

Why are we always fighting? Why is everything always a problem with you? Why can’t you just be happy?

In this episode we get into conflict, resolution  and how to get to the other side of an argument with your partner. 

Somebody has to be the one bringing up the hard topics and that’s not always easy, especially when you want things to work.

Sometimes in relationships, we fight to be understood, heard, valued and seen and we get into all of that in this episode.

Friendly reminder: just because you bring up that things could be better in your relationship, does not mean that nothing is ever good enough, it’s okay to want things to be better and as close to perfect as possible. 

If you’ve ever felt like this, chime in!

If you have a story you want to submit to us, click here.

Besties, let us know what y'all think on this one!

-Grant & Aja

Transcript

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I would say that breaking up was one of the best things that we ever did in our relationship. Our breakup was our second chance. Every man should strive to get to that position where you can take care of your wife or your girl. I'm nervous that our definitions of happy are different. Oh my gosh, there's always an issue. Something always that needs to be talked about or fixed with you. Like, why can't things just be good? I feel shut down and hurt when you say you just want to start a fight. And that makes me feel really sad. What's up, guys? Welcome back to Hanging Out Forever. Grant Blackwell here, and I'm here with my beautiful girlfriend of eight or nine years. We always say that. Eight or nine, eight, eight, nine, eight or two. Eight nine. Eight or nine years, but we're in love. We love each other. You're sweet. We uh we fight sometimes, though. We do fight sometimes. We don't see eye to eye. We're on different pages. It happens to the best of us, you know, and we've actually gotten some comments, some haters saying that we're always nice to each other and talking about how much we love each other. Lord forbid I'm nice to my male. I don't know what you guys want from me. But also, like sometimes if we're not feeling it, if we're like have stuff going on outside of here or we're just not feeling the podcast, we won't podcast. Yeah, you know, so we really only podcast when we're we're feeling good with one another because it's just like there's a good flow. We're not gonna try to, you know, force something. There have been times where we've podcasted where we were like coming off of a fight or using the podcast to help us understand a fight. Yeah. But most of the time when we do podcasts when we're in a good space, we're trying to get to a good space versus not being in a good space at all and forcing ourselves to get into a good space. Yeah, because you guys wouldn't want to watch that. Yeah. Yeah. So this episode is all about getting into a good space with your partner. Yeah. So what's up, y'all? We're so happy that you guys are here, besties. Before we get too started too deep in, so it go ahead and like and subscribe to our channel. Turn on all the notifications. Um, I don't know why I do that. Sorry, I do that all the time. That's not even a language. I'm almost certain that that's not how you spell notifications or how you say notifications in any language. It's just like I'm just quirky, whatever it's my stem. Yeah. But um, yeah, go ahead and turn on your notifications. Go ahead and comment on this episode, send a like, do all the things that need to be done. But now we're about to get into it. And I do you want to start or should I start? You can start. Okay. So for the last, I would say, month and a half, almost two months, yeah. I have felt like we have been distant from one another. And that is very concerning to me because with you, you are able to manage how distant you feel from me in a different way than I'm able to accept how you manage it. Yeah. And I manage it different as well. And so, like my biggest fear and concern in our relationship is that sometimes I'm the, I am. I'm really the only person that notices when things are kind of like falling off the rails, or when our when our romance is in a lull, or when our communication is in a when we're in a dry spell, like sexually as it pertains to communication, all these different things. And sometimes it does put a lot of pressure on me to bring these issues up to you because I don't want to appear as though I'm always complaining about something. You know, either it's we're not communicating or we haven't gone on a date, or I feel like we're not um emotionally, intimately, and intentionally connected, or maybe like we're not having as much sex as I think that we should be having. And so sometimes when I bring up whatever these issues are in our relationship, I end up feeling bad and feeling nervous to bring things up to you because I don't want you to feel like there's always a problem. And, you know, in the beginning of our relationship, I will say, I can be totally honest, that I made a lot of things that weren't really a problem a problem. So now I get nervous that you will feel attacked when there actually is something that I want to talk about. A lot of the issues that we had in the beginning of our relationship, I'm glad that I brought those things up because I think it has helped us on our path towards communication. But also, I think during that time, some of the things we were talking about maybe not didn't need to escalate into a fight or a disagreement or into a near breakup. So there are often times now where I really want to connect with you and talk to you and explore why we're not on the same page, but I do feel this like hesitancy to do that because I'm nervous that you think that I'm starting to try to that I'm start that I'm trying to start a fight. Stir something up. Yeah. Yeah. And I understand that, you know, it can be a healthy balance being the one in the relationship where you have to bring up the hard issues and the hard talks because you don't want to come off to, you don't want to come off as the person that's causing an issue, yeah, or that's starting an issue. Um, you know, but the at the end of the day, those talks need to be had. You know, those conversations need to be had, and you were the one that was better at doing that. You know, I think that that's something I'm working on, and I'm trying to, you know, still to this day, I'm trying to grow and spearhead those conversations because it's not fair to just put that on one person in the relationship. Yeah. Because you're right, like resentment can build, and I can be like, oh my gosh, there's always an issue, or there's something always that needs to be talked about or dealt with or fixed with you. Like, why can't things just be good? You know, that was definitely that's been my mindset sometimes. And I do think that there are times where you know, something that I feel is like a smaller issue, but it's stemming from a bigger issue. So I see it as a small issue, and you bringing it up and wanting to dissect it. I'm like, do we even need to spend like energy dissecting this? But then once we do, we figure out that it comes, it stems from a bigger issue. Yeah. And so, you know, there's been times where that's happened. And then there's been some times where I was like, you tripping, you know what I mean? Like that still happens too. Yeah. You know, that still happens too. I think it's just, it's just about, you know, like deciphering which is that and which is us actually putting the time in. Because that's the thing too. Like when things get stagnant, it doesn't seem like there's an issue. It's just things aren't progressing. Yeah. I so for a little bit more context, last Thursday, Grant and I I had pulled him aside and we were sitting on the couch, and I was like, hey, I feel like we're not really connecting. I I don't feel like I know where you are right now in our relationship. And you've been working a lot, you've been busy a lot, you've been filming and editing, and I work from home primarily, so like I'm not going out physically and doing as much work as Grant physically. And I don't also have to balance a lot of relationships because like you're always on the phone with like clients or other people who want to book and all these things. Yeah. So you're really busy and you're very involved with what you do. And I think that that's so awesome. But there are some times where you're working so hard that I feel like I get lost in all of the work that you have to do. Yeah. And I oft I often feel sometimes like I'm just another piece of paperwork that needs to be sorted at the end of the night so that you can finish and manage your workflow. And sometimes when you're so entrenched and focused on your work and the outcome and then also the physical and mental output, I feel like I'm just another thing that's getting checked off the list. Yeah. And that makes me feel forgotten and empty and lonely and really sad. And I didn't realize like over the last two months, I've just been, I've just felt so increasingly lonely. And it's it's been creeping up on me. And like obviously I kind of deal with depression. And then when I'm about to start my cycle, whenever I start like whenever whenever I'm about to start my period during whatever the ovulation phase is, I get just tormented mentally. Yeah. I just go through all of this mental like anguish and torment, and it's impossible for me to like really ground myself. And I've been trying to journal, I've fallen off of it quite a bit. But the last few times I've journaled, I just keep talking about how lonely I feel. And I think I realized that I was feeling lonely because yes, you and I are together in the same room, but I don't feel like we're connected. And that is a big thing in our relationship. That it's not necessarily a worry or a concern. It is a worry and a concern, but it doesn't terrify me for the future of our relationship. It's just that I think that you are so okay with us being fine and I want us to be happy, yeah, that I'm nervous that our definitions of happy are different because I think that with you, you get like, we're fine, we're fine, there's no problem, we're fine. And it's not that I need there to be a problem, but I think that when you're fine in your relationship, you so can easily settle into complacency. And that's when you really lose all the vibrancy of your love and your romance and your connection, is when you settle into being fine. Yeah. And that is a scary place for me to be in. And maybe it's because of my upbringing, but I would rather us at least be having like arguments trying to get better than just being at this baseline that we're not talking about our feelings and we're not sharing where we are. And so I had brought up to you uh last Thursday, hey, I don't really feel like we're connected. Like I feel like you're here and you kiss me in the morning and you tell me how beautiful I am, but that just feels like I'm a part of your routine. And it hurts me and it makes me feel lonely to feel like I'm a part of your routine, you know, um, versus somebody that you're intentionally wanting to interact with. Yeah. So we had this conversation, and then I said, you know, I'd really love to do something intentional with you tomorrow. And all I wanted to do was go to the mall. And and you wanted to do what you wanted to do. And so then I felt like we were kind of competing for space, whereas the space that I was trying to take up with you was about having any type of intentional time, even if we just went to the mall, walked around, ate some free samples, and did it for free, versus you wanted to go do something active to get you out of your head space from work. And so the next day I was doing my makeup in the morning and I just felt not beautiful and I didn't feel like trying or putting in the effort. And I remember being like, I don't want to go do the thing that you want to do anymore today. And then I said, I don't want to fight about it, I don't want to talk about it, I just don't want to do it. And you were like, Why? Why not? Why? And I said, I just don't want to take it there. And we ended up taking it there and we got into a big fight, and then I went into like my little office den space and I lost my fucking mind. I went berserk and there was screaming. I was like, ah, because I took a chair and I started like throwing it around the room. It is so frustrating where you can't really technically place exactly what is frustrating you so much or what is what the disconnection is in those conversations. That's the worst when you're like fighting with somebody and you guys are so disconnected that you guys just can't land anything with each other, you can't land on the same page at all. Like there it just seems so far away from getting back to where you were. But I think that you know, it's like everything else, a relationship takes upkeep. Yeah. And I think something that happens with me is I get lost in all the upkeep. Like I get lost in the upkeep of my work, I get lost in the upkeep of upkeeping with the house, like upkeeping with our relationship. Like sometimes I'll be so focused on making sure that something is still working and still has good upkeep with it. And then I'll forget about this other thing. You know, I'll forget about putting in the work for our relationship. I'll forget about putting in work around the house and cleaning up around the house and things like that. And so it's it's tough for me to balance everything sometimes. And something that, you know, like the most important thing to me is our relationship over all of that stuff. But I get so focused on, you know, especially with work, I get so focused on work because I'm like, I want to provide for us and I want us to have security. So it's still technically a part of us, you know. But then I get lost in that and I start start focusing on the wrong things. I start focusing on like, oh, I need to make sure I'm focusing on this so we're financially stable. But then I'm not focusing on this, making sure that we're stable, you know what I mean? And so I think it's really just about that balance, and that's something I'm still trying to get good at. And nine years later, you know, I'm still working on that. It's tough. And I mean, this none of this is to make you feel like you have to be responsible or feel bad, you know. I think it's just sometimes it is really hard to get to a middle ground with you because I think that you're activated by assuming that I'm trying to start a fight. And I try my best to be as understanding of that as possible. But it does hurt my feelings when sometimes I'm coming to you from a place of total legitimacy, objectivity, and wanting us to be better. That I feel shut down and hurt when you say you just want to start a fight, or it didn't need to get here. And I think that that's something that occurs in our relationship pretty frequently. And when when there's something I need from you, right, or I've asked you to do something like 10 times, and then the 11th time comes around, and now I'm pissed off about it, you'll kind of do this thing where you'll say, You didn't have to start a fight, it didn't need to get here. And that makes me feel invalidated because it would not have gotten here if you did it the fifth time I asked. Yeah. You know, I don't want to have to fight with you about things that I'm asking you to do. So it makes me feel sometimes nervous to bring up issues, and I'm never nervous to bring up problems ever. But I feel like over the last two months, I've had a difficulty stepping stepping forward into problems with us a little bit more. I mean, I still do it, obviously, but I think I've had some sort of mental block around stepping forward. And I, and a lot of that I would attribute to that I'm spending so much time focused on the podcast more than I am working and getting jobs and getting gigs and you know, being a part of like the normal gig economy thing that we're we're always doing or taking on new clients is like I think my sh pot my focus has shifted more into making the podcast work. Yeah. And because of that, I have this weird feeling of that I'm being domesticated and I never wanted to be like a stay-at-home wife or a stay-at-home girlfriend. Not gonna lie, you know, having you be able to provide is this too much to talk about? No, I don't think so. Okay. Having you to be able to provide for a lot of our household and then helping me out with my personal things has been amazing. It's so great to know I can rely on you financially, mentally, emotionally, and just fully as my partner. But it also scares me because my mom was a house mom. And I think that there's a lot of autonomy that you lose and that you sacrifice and you give up when you are a house mom. And sometimes when I'm asking for things from you, or I want you to be physically or mentally or intentionally present with me, and you're not, and I can't find a way to communicate to you that I need that, it makes me feel like trapped. You feel like you can't say anything. But that's the thing, because like one, you're not your mom, and two, I'm not your dad. But also, you know, you you always forget, it's funny because you always forget everything that you did for us in the beginning of our relationship and everything that we did together to get to where we are. Yeah, you know, like this hasn't just been me carrying us on our backs, you know what I mean? There has been plenty of times where you were carrying us, you know, and now I want to step up and I want to carry us if that if need be, you know, and I want to take care of you in that way because that's just where I would love for our relationship to go, honestly. And we work together with a lot of things. That's the thing. Like we we're always partners with a lot of stuff. Yeah, it's just as of recently that you know, I've been kind of doing my own thing and I've been able to take care of us in that way. But you know, I don't I honestly don't see that as a permanent thing because I think that the more that we work together and we build this and we build our our stuff that we're building together, that's gonna require us both to put in the work, you know what I mean? So I don't see it as a permanent thing, but I see it like that's the thing too. Everything that I make, we make it's us, it's it's always going to be us, no matter what it is. Every cent, every dollar is ours, it's not just mine, you know. That's genuinely how I see it. And it's it's never going to be anything other than that. That the money going in is just going into a big pot that's ours, and we can use it. If you need anything, then you can use it. You know, that's how I see it. And obviously, you shouldn't do that with just anybody. Yeah. You know, like obviously we're in a different situation where we've been together for a good amount of time, and you know, I trust you in that way. I trust to take care of you. You know, I want to work hard to take care of you because of our past, because of everything we've been through. And there's been plenty of times where you've helped us get through things. So, you know, it's honestly like it's it's such an honor to be able to do that for you. And it's everything I've wanted to do. And so, you know, it's funny because now I can do it, and you're like, no, I don't want to. I know. I'm about to cry. I think I gotta get a paper towel. I'll be right back. Okay. Sorry. That's funny. But you know, as much as men, you know, cry about it, about having to take care of a girl or take care of them financially, every man wants that. Like every man wants to do that. It's just the guys that can't do it are usually the ones that complain about 50-50 and all these things. But I think every man should strive to get to that position where you can take care of your wife or your girl. You know, obviously it takes time to trust each other, like where I trust you to where you're not just gonna use me for my finances, and you trust me to know that I'm not gonna hold finances over you if I need something from you or if I need you to do something for me. So that takes time, but I think every man should strive for that, you know. I think every man does for the most part. Yeah. And that's what I want to do for you. You know, I really we and it's not like we're just it's not like you're just sitting at home doing nothing. Like you're working on things, you're working on the the thing that we've invested ourselves into. So we're working towards something. We're always working towards something outside of the work we have to do to pay the bills around the house. You know, we're always have something that we're working towards. That's a greater um, you know, that's like our greater calling. And so, you know, the fact that we're we do that, we still work towards that. I'm more than happy to provide for us while we're on the path for that. Yeah. I think it's just like I really appreciate you saying that. Yeah. It still has been very difficult for me because my whole mindset growing up was I never want to rely on a man because I see that they can trap you with their finances and like relegate you to the home and have these different expectations of you. And I Well, anytime you try you feel trapped, you turn into a rabbit animal. So I'm not gonna try to trap you, baby. Trust me. Stop. That's so true. Yeah, that's funny. What do I do? What do you mean, like rabid animal? I don't know. I just like I wasn't even saying anything or doing anything to make you feel trapped. You were kind of feeling trapped on your own because you felt like you couldn't say anything because of the situation we had going, and you started going rabid. So, like, if I tried to actually trap you in something like that, you would not, you wouldn't be having that. No, for sure. Yeah, I guess that's a good point. Like a caged animal, yeah. I think it's just like the expectation, it's almost like it's funny because I I've always wanted to be able to rely on you in that way. And on and off to our relationship, I have, but it's more, it's more, it's more financial now than it has ever been. Or like I'm reliant on you in a much larger way than I ever have been before. And it is because we have decided that I'm gonna focus on this, the podcast, and making this work and doing all the other developmental things that we're trying to do for the business that we're creating together. So it feels great that we have decided together that this is what makes the most sense for now. And I feel like I've been scrambling over like the last week, just been like, okay, well, let me just like mass apply to like a bunch of random gigs and just see what happens. But I realize I'm only doing that because I'm terrified of the actual feeling of being taken care of in this way. Yeah. And what that says about me. Like, does that mean I can't provide? I'm like, now I'm going through my mind, being like, does that mean I can't provide for myself? Does that mean now I'm fully reliant on a man? And it's not a man, obviously, you're my partner in life. But it's just it's it is making me a little like nervous. Yeah. And I've always been able to, my dad's helped me out a ton growing up. You know, when I was going to college, he was helping me pay for my rent. He paid me to go to school, all these things, which I feel like parents should do if they have the means. Um, but it's not like we're some trust, we're not trust fund kids. You know what I mean? I wish we were. Seriously. But it's not like we're some trust fund kids. Like we really have. Yeah, I know. Yeah. If I could be a Nepo baby, somebody rich adopt me. Yeah. Um, but you know, I have had a lot of anxiety around what does being taken care of by my man say about me. And when I'm around the house, when you're out shooting all day, and I'm like, oh my God, I'm so tired. I just desperately need a nap. And you're like filming back to back and lugging like hundreds, like just pounds and pounds of equipment around with you all day. And I'm like, oh my God, I just cannot with the day. I must take a nap. I feel terrible. I took a nap the other day, I took like multiple naps last week at like 2 p.m. And then I'm waking up like, who the hell am I to take a nap? Grant's out there actually breaking a sweat. And what am I doing? But also I think that I've had this, I think the naps are definitely being because I I have this like anxiety where I feel like at any point in time, if I ask you to do something, you might throw it in my face, like, I've been filming all day, I've been working all day. Why would I do that to help you? And I think that this loneliness that I felt is not because you don't want to be present, it's because I'm assuming you won't be present. And so I'm preparing myself in a way to be alone because I'm scared to ask you for things because you're providing so much more now than ever. Yeah. And I feel like I feel not helplessly reliant, but reliant on you. And I think that that is something that is making me very nervous. And so when I say stuff like, hey, I feel like we're not intentionally connecting with one another, I I get scared to ask for more time from you because you're spending so much time making money and working hard that I feel like I'm not allowed to intervene in that because I'm looking at what you're doing as okay, he's working hard for himself, but also for me and for us and our household and our future. So sometimes I feel like I don't have the ability to ask for space or attention from you because I I don't want to become another thing. Well, I think that I think I do, I will say though, I do think it is good to keep that in mind a little bit of like, yeah, you know that I'm out here like busting my ass and working hard and all that. I think that that's a there's a healthy part of that to, you know, remind yourself of. But also like when it comes to keeping up with like maintenance on our relationship, like that just that has to be done. No matter how tired I am from the day, no matter you know how much I got going on, no matter how much I'm paying financially, whatever, like you still need to make sure that you're keeping up with your relationship and that we are having conversations and we're connecting because that can fall to the wayside so quick when you're like, Oh, I'm take I'm taking care of us financially, so like what else you expect from me? What else I gotta do? You know, it takes so much more than that, you know, it really does. So I think that just you know, making sure that you're present with all of these things. I know it's a lot, you know, it's a lot for me to do, but making sure that you're present with all of these things is very important for your relationship, and keeping in mind that, you know, just because you're you're working hard and you're taking care of things financially, that's not going to solidify a great relationship. It's just not, you know, and there's a lot of people that just rely on that, a lot of men that just lean on that and they're like, oh yeah, you pick up the rest, you know, you got the rest of the relationship. You make sure we're good. Yeah. But I know that I need to put in that effort as well, and I need to spearhead conversations and I need to um take initiative on these things. I know how important that is. Well, I I don't want you to feel, and this is advice for anybody, and this is something I think I've realized recently um through this transitionary period, right? Is I've always been the one that's really, really great at bringing things up. I'm really great at identifying where there could be a possible issue, any cracks in our relationship, serious conversations we need to have. And I have now fully stepped into that as my role in in this relationship. And before, I would put a pressure on you where it's like, why don't you talk to me about anything serious? How come you would ever bring up all the serious stuff? Yeah, you know, and I put it on you as what you weren't doing, but recently I've been able to realize that it is my strength. It is, and it doesn't matter who's good at that as long as you're willing to show up for the conversation. Yeah. And that is something that has allowed me to find balance when I feel as though we're not on the same page. Because before I would convince myself that, oh, we're not on the same page, and I'm not gonna bring up what this issue is. I'll see if he brings it up, and then you wouldn't bring it up. And then I would spiral out in my mind and be like, he doesn't give a shit. Oh my god, he doesn't care. You're really good at it, and it's a blessing and a curse because you'd be bringing stuff up for sure. You'd be saying a lot. Okay. No, but but it's it's more of a blessing because it really guides us through those tough conversations or it initiates those conversations. And then we always said, you know, that you're you're great at bringing things up, and I'm great at guiding us along it to make sure that we keep a level head through it. So we have our roles even in that. Yeah. But but you're right that you know, you used to get so angry with me when I wouldn't bring things up or I wouldn't, you know, think to talk about these, you know, really deep conversations that we would have that we would have to have. But I think that you did a great job of stepping up and being like, okay, I can take the reins on this, I can make sure that I'm bringing up these conversations because one of us has to do it. Yeah, you know, one of us has to do it. And I think that in a lot of relationships, you know, if if you guys are like-minded, like if we were both the type of person that would bring up conversations like that constantly, yeah, then we would just be butting heads. Because like I think that I would have a perspective on it and you would have a perspective on it, and we would just not back down from our perspectives on it. You know what I mean? And then we just wouldn't be able to get on the same page. Like, at least in that situation, you're bringing it up from your perspective, and I'm able to calmly listen and understand where you're coming from. And if I see it differently, I can like calmly uh relay that back to you, or we can find you know common ground. But and then in the opposite direction, if we both don't know how to bring those conversations up, then they just get swept under the rug, resentment builds, and it blows up into something else, or we just end it by the end, you know. Um so yeah, I I'm I'm glad that you said that because you know that is your strength. It is, it really is. It's your strength, and my strength is calmly having the conversation to make sure that it doesn't go off the rails. Yeah, yeah. I realized that I had to value, I realized that I had to value you being present more than I was upset with you not bringing up the problems. And I think based on my upbringing, if you were as critical as me, it would cripple me. That would I would not be able to be myself at all in our relationship because I grew up, I would say, under a lot of criticism, you know, and you never criticize me. And I I've I definitely at the beginning of our relationship was very, very like brutally critical. But now, and you can tell me if I'm wrong, but now I don't feel as though the criticisms or the critiques I have about our relationship are coming from a place of like pointing the finger at you, yeah, versus I feel now that the critiques or criticism that I have is more constructive about getting us to a better place. Like, hey, I feel like we're falling short in the romance department. I feel like we're falling short on the intimacy department, and not intimacy as in sex, I mean like mentally, emotionally, intentional time together. And it has taken me a lot to realize that that's my strength and stand proudly in that versus feeling as though it's a burden. You know what I mean? Like that's my superpower in our relationship. Now, compared to before, now the end goal is to fix it. Where before the goal was to just bring it up and kind of throw it in my face. Damn, that's so true. And it was almost like in a selfish way of like, you're doing this, like I don't do that. You know what I mean? So it was kind of like getting accolades for not being the one who does that or who didn't do it, like you did it, but I didn't do it, you know what I mean? Kind of just casting blame where now it feels like you're like, we are going through this, we need to work on this, you know. It's not just you, you, you, you're doing this, you're bad, you know. It's it's more of uh, you know, you want to fix the problem, yeah, and not just bring the problem up. That's such a good well go ahead, sorry. No, because I think that that's a thing that people do too. They get stuck in just bringing up issues because they just want to bring up all the problems of their partner, but they don't want to fix them, they just want to bring it up and be like, it becomes, you know, checking off like points. It becomes like you've got five points because you brought it up, and this person's back at zero, but you both should have five points, you know what I mean? That you guys marked off because you successfully uh got through it. That is such an incredible perspective. Yeah. Cause you're right, I don't keep score anymore. Yeah. And what in in the beginningslash middle of our relationship, maybe You definitely did that at one point. I just say probably before we broke up. Yeah. That's why I think that breaking up was one of the best things that ever happened to us. Yeah. Plus, the sex, the breakup sex was just Yeah, supposedly I was a yearner for a yearner, like crawling towards me, begging, crying for me. Yeah. God, wait, I'm getting a flashback. I never physically did that, but I guess emotionally I was crawling on the floor. Stop. Stop. This is a very serious episode, and I'm over here thinking about how yearning. Oh my god, he was so sad. That's hilarious. Giving it to a little sad one. He was so it was so sexy or so sad. I loved it. But I like you happy too. But it's like I like being happy. I would prefer this, yeah. Even if it's less yearning. It was so hot. Mm-hmm. Just hilarious. Just dying to impress. It was just anyway. Okay. Yeah. Stop giving me the talk about that. That's fine. But I would say that breaking up was one of the best things that we ever did in our relationship. And we've said this on podcasts before, which was when we got back together, I had to make the conscious decision of if I choose him again, I cannot bring up all of the things that we went through in the past. I can't keep throwing what he was and what he wasn't in his face. I can't keep making him feel small when I want to feel big. I can't keep accepting what I was accepting from you at the time. But really, it was, it was my decision on my end about how I needed to wipe the slate clean. And I knew that even though we broke up during the time that we weren't together, even though we were hooking up, whatever, I wanted to be with you. Yeah. I didn't think I wanted to be with you anymore because I couldn't see a sustainable path forward. But I knew at the end of the day, like in my being, like on a cellular level, you are the person that I should be with. I want to be with. Yeah. Like my soulmate, my partner in life, my best friend in the whole world. And I knew that it would be a waste of time for us to get back together if I wasn't gonna let all of that shit from the past go. Yeah. And we really did do that. I feel like we totally did. It it goes both ways in that too. Like I had to let things go too and keep those things in the past. Like, you know, the like procrastinating, um, just the excuses, things like that. Like I had to leave in the past. So I think that it was like a clean slate for us in a lot of ways. In a lot of ways. And I I you can tell me if I'm wrong, but I feel like I left the scoreboard in 2025. For sure. Because that was when we broke up. We would always go tit for tat for things like name a time that you did this. You know what I mean? Like we were over. Pull up the receipts. I used to be like that, be like, okay, you want receipts. We're constantly trying to pull up receipts towards each other, but I don't think we we haven't done that at all since that. Yeah. Yeah. Since at least not on an extreme level that we can put a tab on. Yeah, no, not that I can can't pull it, can't bring it. Can't bring it up. Threw out the receipts for the receipts. But um He threw out his name. But no, that's so true. I didn't even kind of notice that. That but because we've I feel like leveled up in so many different ways since um we got back together and everything, that yeah, I forgot that that was even one of the things that we kind of left behind. It's funny because to me, it feels as though our relationship has been this healthy the whole time because of the health level, whatever, that it's on currently. Where like right before that, we had all these scars and trauma from the beginning. From the nothing, nothing like that. I know that people immediately go there. None of that, but just us not working hard at the relationship, me not working hard in general, you know what I mean? Like just we had like scars from our past, but you're right, it doesn't feel like we have that anymore. It feels like we've been wiped clean of that, and we just have so much more trust for one another and we can rely on each other. Like, so much has come from that. I think our our breakup was our second chance, our second wind. And I feel as though I think that when we broke up, we got to choose each other for the first time truly. Whereas when we first started dating, we kind of fell into a relationship. Like we were really close friends. I loved you, you loved me, but I would definitely say that it happened. It was something that happened along the way, and then we were trying to work it out. Yeah. But when we broke up and we got back together, I feel like that was the most one of the most conscious choices we have made throughout the entirety of our relationship because we had to look at the entirety of everything we had been through together and then consciously decide do we still want to move forward? Yes or no? Yeah. And for me, it was a yes. For you, it was a yes. And I think that we both adopted this responsibility of not letting the other person down. And we have totally carried that within this last like year and like three months because we broke up in freaking March of last year. It's only May. It's crazy. So it's been like a year and two months. Feels like that, that like happened a generation ago. You know what I mean? It's crazy. Yeah, it's so weird. Because I was like, oh my god, it's our breakup anniversary in March. I said, oh my god, that's so crazy. Yeah, but um we don't need another anniversary, or we already have two anniversaries. No, we do need another anniversary. We need two more. Oh no. Well, we need we have the anniversary when we first got together. Yeah. Then we have our anniversary of when we were officially dating. Uh-huh. Then if we get when we get engaged, yeah, engaged and married. And then we get married. Four weeks. Four anniversary. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Oh, what a burden it is to love. I know. That's funny. I didn't think I didn't mean it in that way though. Oh, what do you mean? Well, I think we don't need another breakup of our soon. Yeah, I was like, we don't need to add on more than we have coming to. Yeah, yeah. We don't need any more breakups. That's funny. Is that what you're saying? I was just saying, because we already have two anniversaries. I was making the joke of like, we don't need another one. Yeah, but we'll have four. We'll have four total. Yeah. Because I'm not, I don't believe that you should wipe the anniversary clean because you have a new one. You just keep them all. Yeah. And you celebrate throughout the year. So it'll be a good time. But earlier, you know, something I had briefly mentioned up, mentioned what earlier something I had briefly mentioned was our most recent fight when I was like, I don't feel like we're emotionally together, and all I want to do is go to the mall and you're pitching your ideas. Yeah. And I felt like we were on the same page, went totally berserk, started like breaking to having a full-on breakdown because I just was feeling like we were falling apart. Yeah. And that I was the only one seeing that we were falling apart. And that when I bring up that we're falling apart, I'm being it felt like I was being blamed. Like, we're not falling apart. Why are you making this a thing? You know? And so I was like, well, fuck this and fuck everything, and I'm gonna go book a hotel. So I booked a hotel, and I had the full intention of just going by myself, and then you came back and you approached me very calmly, and you were like, Okay, let's talk. I was like, no, I don't want to talk. We're done. Caged animal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went full caged animal. Yeah, yeah. And then I ended up calming down, and I think I told you something just like I miss you. Yeah. And I feel lonely, and I don't know where you are, I don't know where we are. And yes, we're physically together so often, like all the time. Yeah. But that doesn't mean that just because you're physically with your partner, that you know where they are. And sometimes that's very difficult for me to not feel connected to you in that way for us to not feel like a unit. And I need you. Yeah. You're I need you. And it's not crippling for me to not have you, but it's crippling for me to not know where you are. Yeah. And so that's difficult sometimes for me to navigate. So I booked this hotel. I was gonna do a runaway cation where sometimes when I like, I just need a day and I just go. But I ended up being like, You wanna come with me? I know, because we we had made up and we talked it out. And we had the most fun. It was so good. It was over everything we needed. It was everything we needed. So it really was. I feel like I just want to say that if you need to book a staycation with your partner, we literally went like 15, 20 miles to Hermosa Beach, stayed at this super cute boutique hotel, went to um this tiki bar, got drunk, got some great appetizers, and then just like walked around the little town. Yeah, it was so fun. We briefly talked about us, but we really spent intentional time where like you weren't on your phone, you weren't editing, you weren't answering messages or trying to book ventures. We just had fun together. So fun. We just had a great time. And we when we have a good time together, we have a good y'all can't keep up. I know, we'd be having a good time. Oh my gosh. So I just I think it's really important to be able to carve out time with your partner and have a staycation with your partner. If you have kids, send them to grandma's house, get an overnight babysitter, and go get a hotel. Like, we we still it's worth the investment financially and the time, like it's just worth it. It's just worth it. You know, like go get you a little cheap hotel, something. Ours wasn't that expensive or whatever, but it was really cute, really fun, and it was what I needed to like feel like I was getting back to you. Like you're you're come, we're getting back to each other. And you could see that from a mile away, you're great at that. Thanks. Yeah, yeah. So um, I would say my relationship advice for this episode is really about understanding what your strength is and your relationship and not shying away from that. If you are the person in a relationship that is the one bringing up the hard conversations and the one that's able to navigate those hard conversations and pinpointing what the issues are in your relationship, even if they're not big, obvious issues, then step into that role and show up for your partner in that way. Because I used to have an issue of I'm doing all the work. It's me, I have all the work to do. It's so hard. But when you realize that you're not competing with your partner for space in your relationship, it allows you to just like relax and fall into your relationship more organically and more clear-headed as well, by not feeling as though you're the one doing all the work and taking on all the labor. So don't compete with your partner for space. And if you feel as though you're not getting what you need and he feels like he's not getting what he needs, define it. Recently, Grant and I did this thing where I'm driven by desire. If I say I want to do something, I want to have a desire day, let's do whatever it is Asia wants. Yeah. Grant is driven by a reward, his system is based on rewards. So he worked hard and now he wants to do X, Y, and Z because he works hard. So we decided to label his thing in Earn It Day. She loves labeling things. I love labeling things. It helps. Yeah. And so now when I want to do something and I don't want to feel like we're clashing because we both want to do something, yeah. I want a desire day, he wants an earn it day. That way we are both being honored in our relationship. Yeah. And what's your advice? My advice, my relationship advice is to invest in your relationship. You know, you have to invest in all these different things in your life to keep things balanced, but make sure that you're investing in your relationship. Make sure that you're taking that time with your partner, whether you have to like actually spend money, you know, going on a date or like like what we did. We just did a staycation at a hotel in our city. Take that time, invest in that. It will it will be fruitful every time. You know, it'll always be worth investing. Yeah. And that's gonna be it for this episode, besties. Let us know what you think. As always, like, comment, subscribe, turn that notifications on. We are doing weekly episodes now. Look at us, we're big dogs, and we love y'all so much. If you have a letter or a story that you want to share with us, don't forget the listener letter forum is in the description of every single one of these videos. It's also in all of our links across all of our social platforms. We love you guys so much, and we hope that you're keeping your relationship healthy. If you ever have any issues, obviously you can DM us or even better, hit us up in the forum. We love you so much, besties. Bye. See you guys.