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Hanging Out 4ever
We couldn’t find a therapist, so we started a podcast. After 7 years of dating we nearly came to a breaking point and decided it was time to try something new, to talk about our feelings and record them. Our podcast is not the highlight reel of our relationship, it is our relationship, as authentic as possible. Dating and long term relationships can be difficult. Especially, when the internet seems so focused on only happy moments. We share our truth and hope it resonates with you and makes you feel less alone in the dating/ Long Term Relationship world.
Let's all figure this dating thing out together.✨
-Aja & Grant
WATCH US ON YOUTUBE https://www.youtube.com/@HangingOut4ever
Hanging Out 4ever
We're Thinking of Getting Married!?
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If you've been with us for a while you'll know that Aja used to not believe in marriage and was fine to just "hang out 4ever" with Grant. But apparently things have changed.
They talk about they potential of getting married, the social pressure expected out of people who date long term and what marriage really means.
Let's get into it Besties and as always, let us know your thoughts!
Besties, let us know what y'all think on this one!
-Grant & Aja
I didn't want to get married because I didn't want to sign up for failure because all the relationships I had seen growing up were like people who were not in love. They were just together because it made sense.
SPEAKER_03I want to make sure that I'm able to communicate with you properly before we get married and before we have kids and we start setting those examples for them.
SPEAKER_01I don't want to get married because it's the next thing. I want to get married because being a husband means something to you.
SPEAKER_03We're happier and more committed to one another than the majority of marriages.
SPEAKER_01What's up, y'all? Welcome to another episode of the Hanging Out Forever podcast. My name is Asia Corinne, your host. I'm here with my boyfriend, wonderful man of nine years and co-host.
SPEAKER_03Beautiful. Grant, Grant Blackwell.
SPEAKER_01Thank you. That was beautiful.
SPEAKER_03I don't know how to follow that up.
SPEAKER_01You can't. My talent is unmatched. Uh, we started this podcast because we were going through difficult times in our relationship and we were like, we can't be the only ones. We were on the verge of breaking up. And so we decided, why not just start a podcast? And honestly, like it says in our bios, we could not find a therapist. We tried everything that we could, couldn't find a therapist. So we started a podcast.
SPEAKER_03We started yapping.
SPEAKER_01We started yapping. So here we are helping you guys navigate your relationships with more intention, healthier, and with better communication. You guys can keep it spiced up. We're giving you all the play-by-play of two regular people who have been in a relationship for almost 10 years. And speaking of 10 years, y'all see a ring on these fingers?
SPEAKER_03Oh no.
SPEAKER_01Y'all see a single ring on these fingers? Here we go. No, you don't. Tell them why that is.
SPEAKER_03Well, no, and guys, we've heard it all before. Like, oh my gosh, aren't you guys gonna get married? Why haven't you got married yet? Because uh, we don't feel like it.
SPEAKER_01Baby, where the hell is my husband?
SPEAKER_03Exactly. That's what they'd be asking.
SPEAKER_01That's what they'd be asking.
SPEAKER_03We, you know, we've just in no way, shape, or form have we ever um been put into this traditional box of things, and we don't do things traditionally. We don't do things, we go again against the grain, you know. And we we just think that you should be in a specific position before you do something like marriage. Like that's the thing too. Like, I feel like we respect marriage a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like we really do, uh, to the point where you know, we want to figure everything out before we take that leap. And I I think that makes sense, you know, because what you're doing, you're bringing the government into it, you're um making it legally binding, you know. So you might as well have all your all your things in order.
SPEAKER_01All your ducks in and earlier Grant said because we don't feel like it, is that true?
SPEAKER_03I mean, it's something we want, like, and I think we've grown to it more and more over time. Um, the way I see it is just, you know, I see us getting married is us celebrating us, yes, and celebrating our relationship.
SPEAKER_01I agree. And so even though Grant said we're not getting married because we don't feel like it, which offensive, but okay. Is that offensive? Stand on it. Stand on it, King.
SPEAKER_03Well, is that offensive? Why do you say that? Why do you why is that offensive?
SPEAKER_00We don't feel like it.
SPEAKER_03No, we just not that we don't feel like it, because I I said that, you know, I mean, when you think about it, I was joking, but I gave the real answer after that. I was like, you know what I mean? But also, do we feel like it? We didn't feel like it because we wanted to get all these other things in order.
SPEAKER_01Well, um, so as you guys can tell, today's episode is gonna be about marriage, yeah, relationships, and figuring out what your pace of a relationship is. So it's not a one size fits all. I personally would not say that we're not married because we don't feel like it. Yeah, I am not married to you. We're not married because even though we've been together for 10 years, we're not ready. We're not ready.
SPEAKER_03Like you don't think we're still not ready?
SPEAKER_01See, now we're both offending each other. Okay, let's go.
SPEAKER_03Let's no, no, no, no, no. This is this is this is okay.
SPEAKER_01Let's go.
SPEAKER_03This is what we do on here, guys. This is what we do. We uh we, you know, have these real conversations. Yeah, we have real conversations, we're communicating. I think that um you're taking what I said a little bit.
SPEAKER_01No, I'm not being petty. You think I'm being petty?
SPEAKER_03No, no, yeah, I'm not saying you're being petty, but um I think that, you know, when I said we don't feel like it, it's not like I'm not trying to um, you know, demean it in any type of way or or like we're not gonna do it, or we don't, you know, I think that we didn't feel like it because we didn't feel the pressure of like, oh, we need to get married, and then we need to get a house, and then we need to have a kid. We didn't, we never put ourselves in the restraints of like traditional thinking.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03You know, that society has pushed on a lot of people, and that a lot of people, I think a lot of people get their self-worth from those traditions. You know, there's a lot of people who say, Oh, I I just graduated college, now I gotta get the job.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_03Then I gotta get the fiance, then I gotta get the husband, then I gotta get the house. You know, it's like this list that they're trying to um, you know, check off. But we, you know, we didn't put our relationship on a checklist. Yeah, we didn't put it on a checklist and we we go with the flow with things in a in the sense of like we do what we want to do in that moment, you know what I mean? Or what we personally want to do, not what people outside of us are telling us to do.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and I mean to clarify on my point about not being ready, yeah. I don't want to live in the same apartment if we're married. Yeah, like you know, like there's things like that.
SPEAKER_03It goes back to the standards we have, yeah.
SPEAKER_01It's not that we're not ready to show each other that level of commitment. We 100% are. We've been together almost 10 years. Yeah, like to us, marriage is a celebration of that love that we already share. It's not really underscoring the commitment that we've made to one another. And that's what people typically use marriage as. It's like, okay, let me show you how committed I am to you by marrying you. For me, you show me how committed you are to me every day by showing up.
SPEAKER_03I think we're happier and more committed to one another than the majority of uh marriages. You said it. 100% we are.
SPEAKER_01You said it.
SPEAKER_03And I think we have this solid, beautiful foundation that we're bringing into marriage once we do that, you know.
SPEAKER_01We got a comment recently and said, eight years not married. Yeah, marriage is not a priority for everyone. And I grew up not ever wanting to get married because if you guys have been falling for a while, um, you know that my parents' divorce was just like totally traumatic and it was just the worst thing ever.
SPEAKER_03And it was just we have two different experiences of marriage. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And and I didn't want to get married because I didn't want to sign up for failure, because all the relationships I had seen growing up were like people who were not in love. They were just together because it made sense. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, I don't want to be together 25 years, 30 years because it makes financial sense. I don't want to be together because we're staying together for the kids. Like, I want us to be together because every day we're choosing each other. And there are a lot of people who get married because they're hoping that their partner changes. They're hoping that it makes them more in love, they're hoping that it fixes whatever they feel like is wrong with their relationship. And that's not how marriage works. If you are about to marry somebody and you're like, I hope he's gonna be a better man, or I hope she's gonna be a better woman once I make her a wife, that's not very likely to happen. You're marrying the person that you're getting engaged to, and who you're getting engaged to is who you're dating. So the person you're dating is gonna be the same person you're marrying. There aren't a lot of people. I don't believe that there are a lot of people who see the true responsibility of marriage, besides we're getting the government involved, we're doing paperwork, we're changing last names. And for us, getting married is not the next step. Getting married is an honor and a privilege.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And I want to have everything in line in my life. You know, I want to be totally debt-free before we get married because I don't want to bring that into our marriage. I mean, which wouldn't be very difficult for that.
SPEAKER_03And we we do put marriage on this pedestal, but we also don't judge people like you were saying with that comment where it's like, oh, they're not married, so they completely like have no credibility now because they're not married. It's like, dude, are you not like seeing the conversations we're having? You know what I mean? Like we're having these conversations and just seeing eye to eye in ways that like so many marriage married couples would never get to, you know. So it doesn't matter if you're married, you know, like it's it's for some people, I think it's just a label. But like we see it, like you said, we respect it, and we see it to us bringing our relationship to the next level. And so we want to make sure that um we have everything together and we're ready to take that step. Because yeah, it does it. We see it in um, I guess we do see it in a traditional way, in a sense, of in a sense, yeah, yeah. Yeah, of what it means and um uh what it means. And I can't wait to say this is my wife. You know what I mean? Like I can't wait.
SPEAKER_01Really say it to me right now.
SPEAKER_03This is my wife, my beautiful wife.
SPEAKER_01Okay, voice guy gorgeous wife. Okay, yeah. I like the boy. This wifey. Yeah, I like that. You like that? Mm-hmm. Husband. So this is my husband.
SPEAKER_03This is like hold on, hold on. Hold on, you guys. This is uh if you're watching this now, you're gonna see this.
SPEAKER_01Get down on one knee.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, get down on one knee. No, tradition. No, I like see, I like it, you know, tradition.
SPEAKER_01You're hot. You like that? I have to oh, sorry. I have to call my husband and see what he says.
SPEAKER_03I like it. I mean, honestly, I already like call you my wife. I'm not gonna lie. When I'm talking to people, I'm like, I'm like, oh, I'm waiting for my wife to get home or whatever, you know. I already say that. But um, no, I think that it'll hit different. I think it'll hit different when it's true. I know, I it's I think it will.
SPEAKER_01So it's special to us, and we're gonna do it eventually.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and we're not one of those people that are like, oh, we don't abide a traditional norm, so you know, screw getting married, and we we we, you know, like we're not saying like we hate marriage and things like that. You know, we're I used to hate it. You hate you used to hate it, you think? Yeah, yeah, why?
SPEAKER_01Because because I don't know any people that I there's not a single married couple that I could name um outside of our like friend groups, I think. I'm talking about the people who've been like to get married for like decades.
SPEAKER_03What your experience was growing up, just in general, like I mean that's the thing too, because even my parents, you know, they're married, they've been married this whole time. I know, but I'm just I'm just saying from my experience, you know, growing up, um, you know, my parents are still married, they never got divorced or anything like that. But do I think that they could have communicated better or um, you know, had a better foundation maybe to their marriage between each other? Yeah, of course. You know, I think it was a um it was good to to see that uh in the sense of they were happy, you know, and they included me and my sister, like we did a lot of family things, family trips, you know, they were good at that, but the communication just wasn't really there between them two and between like us, you know. The communication wasn't there. So I think I want to make sure that I'm able to communicate with you properly before we get married and before we have kids, and we start setting those examples for them, you know. So I think that that's why our timeline looks a little different from other people because we want to just make sure that we're we're there and we're ready.
SPEAKER_01And we're certain people are like, you guys have been together almost 10 years, you're not sure, you're not there, you're not ready. We are, but there are so Grant and I I truly believe this. I believe that we have had every single conversation under the sun. Yeah, as it pertains to the health, strength, and longevity of our relationship. And then we've been through enough trials to know that we are committed to one another no matter what. We've never cheated on each other, we've always been loyal. And I think that we would have like uh the most beautiful marriage. I think that we'd have the most beautiful marriage. But I I there are certain things that I want to accomplish because being a wife is something I never thought I would have for myself. It was never something I wanted, it was never something of interest to me.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So now that I'm like, oh my God, like I'm gonna be this man's wife, I want to be the best version of myself. And I do personally feel like I have maybe another year of growth.
SPEAKER_03Well, what does it mean to you to be a wife?
SPEAKER_01That's a good question. Um, what does it mean to me to be a wife? I don't think it means anything to me to be a wife, it means something to me to be your wife. You like that, huh? I like that. But it's true. It's true. Proceed. Um to just the title of wife means nothing to me. Yeah, but um to be your wife means a lot to me. And it means that I get to show you on another level my commitment for you. And I think that that's really important. And it's sounds cliche, but really the reality of the situation is because I never wanted to get married, and your parents are married, you had a healthy example of long-term relationship, and I didn't. And I remember when we were, you know, getting really serious and we were kind of talking about I made it very clear that I didn't want to be married. I was like, nope. So if that's something you want, you might have to skedaddle because I'm not into it. And for for me to finally get to a place where I am giving that to you feels like I'm honoring you. Yeah. Like I'm honoring you, I'm honoring our relationship, I'm honoring you as my partner, as my man, as as the my life partner, as the person I want to be with forever. And it makes me happy to feel like I'll be able to show up for you in that way. Yeah. And it's hard to say, like, because our relationship so much now is only missing the matrimonial title. Yeah, the label. You know, so it's just like I do feel that I present very much as a wife. Um, and I definitely think that you present as a husband. And I'm interested to see if at all our dynamic changes if we do get married. And I think that there's a little bit of gray area in that for me. It's almost like I've been a girlfriend for so long. Yeah. That like, who will I be as a wife? Um, but I'll be whatever you want me to be, to be honest.
SPEAKER_03I think exactly what you said of like we already have the foundation. It's the only thing that I think will change is the label. Um, but I think what it means to me being a husband to you is being that constant stability for you, whether it's financial stability, and I'm not saying like, oh, you just gotta rely on me for money. Like, if you need help, I'll help you. I'll be there, and I can help you. And then stability emotionally, you can be who you are with me. You can, um, no matter what you're going through, we can get through it together. Um, stability in the sense of you know protecting you. You don't need to be afraid of life because you got me, you got your partner right by your side to help you through anything you need. Um and I think just you know, making sure that you can count on me. You know, you you never have a thought of doubt with me.
SPEAKER_01Damn, your answer is so much better than mine.
SPEAKER_03No.
SPEAKER_01Did I say anything?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, you did. That was beautiful. That was good, right? But uh but it was no, but I think that it's I think what comes with it is like complete trust, like not doubting me. You know I'm gonna handle things, you know you can come to me whenever you need me.
SPEAKER_02Um I should have said all those things. That's how I could have.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I know, but you said you said maybe I should do it again. No, your yours was good.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_03Um, but that's what I mean. That's what I think it means to me, you know, to be a husband. And I think that we've gotten to that place. So I think you're right. Of the only thing that's really missing now is a label and a ring.
SPEAKER_00And a ring.
SPEAKER_03But that's incoming. That's incoming.
SPEAKER_00That's what he what do you say?
SPEAKER_03Huh?
SPEAKER_00I said what are you saying?
SPEAKER_03Then the listeners are here that it's incoming. The the the uh listeners are here at TBA, yeah. They're uh they know they know what I'm talking about.
SPEAKER_01But I would love to get married to you.
SPEAKER_03But yeah, I know. Like at this point, I just want to celebrate everything we can possibly celebrate, and that just seems like another celebration of us that I will gladly take on.
SPEAKER_01I'm excited to um always be there for you. If, you know, as a wife, as a partner, and I think that's why it's hard for me to like define like what am I gonna be as a wife? Because I we're doing so much of those things, and you did a great job defining what it means to be a husband. Because I remember when we were like in them, you know, like three years ago, something like that. I was like, maybe I would like get married. Like, maybe I would marry this guy. And I'd ask you, like, what does it mean to you to be a husband? And I felt like you didn't have a solid, concrete answer for it, and that made me not want to get married, not necessarily to you, but just like, I don't want to get married because it's the next thing. I want to get married to you because being a husband means something to you. I think there's so many people who um sorry, no, I'll finish my bad. Um, there are so many people who get married because they want to be a wife, they want to be a husband. But I used to ask you, what does being a husband mean to you? And I don't remember what you would say. It was some generic answer that was just like, okay, well, that means nothing. And for you to be able to now identify and um what's the word? Express. For you to now be able to identify and express what it means to you to be a husband and why you're excited to be a husband means the world to me. And it is part of my healing journey in order to want to be married is knowing that you know who you want to be as a husband. You're not just a guy that's a husband who's showing up how he was before. Like, you really do believe that being a husband is a responsibility. Yeah, I believe that being a wife is a responsibility. I have a responsibility to you. I have responsibility to you now, but I think if when we're marrying, I have a greater responsibility to, I don't want to say respect you because I I respect you already, but like like honor you as my husband and uh let you know that there's no doubt in my heart or in my mind that you're the only choice, you know, not the right choice. Like you are the person that I want to be with until I'm six feet under in that dead ass ground with them worms, you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_03I I think it's because I confidently have the answers now. Like before when we would talk about marriage and things like that, there was a lot of fear and and hesitancy behind my answers, you know. I didn't know what the future was gonna bring. I was scared. I was scared in those in those moments, you know. Um, there was a lot of fear behind it, so it was hard for me to articulate how to communicate, you know, how to how to tell you what I'm gonna be as a husband or what I can provide as a husband or what I think my role will be. It was hard for me to see it. Not that I didn't want it, it's just I was lost in that moment. You know, I didn't know how to I didn't know how to see it, but now, you know, you're just looking at me. What am I doing? I don't know, you just look so proud looking at me. Sorry, sorry. No, it's fine. I look away. No, no, it's okay, it's okay. It's okay, it's okay. But um, no, you know, I think it's just it's easy for me to see it clearly now, you know. Yeah. Now that the rain is gone. Yeah, but um, yeah, it's just it's so easy for me to see, and uh, I feel like I've grown in so many ways, and I I feel that confidence. I feel um the next step.
SPEAKER_00I love everything you said.
SPEAKER_03Um You're just looking at me like sorry, yeah.
SPEAKER_01I do. Does that distract you? No, no, it was like I just think you're so dreamy.
SPEAKER_03I know you're so cute. You're so cute. I was like, I couldn't help myself to laugh.
SPEAKER_01Um you're so cute.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Because while you're speaking, I'm just thinking about how far you've come. Damn, I should have got a paper towel. I think I'm gonna cry again. I'm actually a really I'm a crybaby. I used to be mean to these men in the comments. I had to retire that. I've retired, but I am a crybaby. Not over that. Yeah, but over you, I'm just I'm crying, I just cry all the time. Um, it's so beautiful to listen to you talk about where you are now versus where you were. And I think that that has been a part of the pivotal shift that happened in our relationship that made us both like, okay, yeah, like I'm gonna be with this guy.
SPEAKER_03Let me just say this too, that I feel like it's um unrealistic to say that I don't have any fears anymore or anything like that, but I'm so much more optimistic. That's the perfect way to put it. Like I'm so much more optimistic about things and the future and us, and that's just how I feel.
SPEAKER_01But go on, sorry, I had to say, No, no, that's great. I just to be able to see your growth and both of our growth during this time, and you know, we broke up literally. Probably a year ago in like a week.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01It was exactly a year ago, about a week.
SPEAKER_03I think so.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, we broke up um around this time last year. And getting back together made me realize that like I will go through anything with you.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Any storm that we have to weather.
SPEAKER_03I'm like, I did show that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I have your back. Um, anything that you're going through, I'll be there for you and with you. And, you know, as your partner in life, as your girlfriend, fiance, wife, whatever, it doesn't matter to me. Um, I feel a responsibility to protect you in a similar way that you feel a responsibility to protect me.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And I don't think that I have to protect you as much. Um, but I'm a I'm I'm really a dog about, you know, I mean, so it's the other day.
SPEAKER_03I was, I uh I opened the door for some person and she walks in and she's like, Did they say thank you? And I was like, Yeah, they did. She's like, Okay, good.
SPEAKER_01Because you ain't gonna disrespect my man, you know. Um, but I really just don't play about you at all. Like you just mean so much to me. And to listen to you speak now versus how we spoke before when we started the podcast, you are just so different. You're so much more confident, you're so much more present, you're so much more brave. And I needed to see those things in you. I needed to know that when I'm jumping ship and all these other things are crumbling around you in your life, are you gonna be able to pick up the pieces on your own and put them back together? And that was my fear for the longest time in our relationship was like I didn't know what your North Star was, and I didn't know what your anchor was either. And I felt like I was both of those things, and I was I didn't want to be. I didn't want to be your reason, I didn't want to be your purpose, and I didn't want to be the thing that kept you grounded because I could feel that you weren't quite confident in your purpose and your reason. And now that you are, it's shifted that perspective, you know, where you're like, oh, Asia, I do this for you. Now I believe it. Oh, Asia, you're my anchor. Now I believe it. But before it felt like I don't even know necessarily how to verbalize it, but before it felt I felt like a crutch. I felt like I was a crutch in your life more than I was somebody that you felt a responsibility for. And now that you're so much more like mature and adventurous, not in the sense that like you're a coward or anything, but just like with life, like optimistic and brave, and you're going out there and you're you're totally like just the mindset is different. Your mindset shift is different.
SPEAKER_03What I can say too is like I think it can be tough. It can be tough fighting the ego that comes with being a man when things are falling apart. And it makes it really hard to pick up the pieces because your ego is hurt so bad. And you feel like, wow, I dropped the ball, wow, I'm not making the amount of money I feel like I should be making, wow, I'm not going as hard as I should be going, I'm being lazy, I'm procrastinating. And you deal with that ego of letting things fall apart. And it can get re it can be really hard, I feel like, to get through that and to get on the other side of that and be like, you know what, I gotta stop uh giving myself excuses. I have to just do it. You know, I just have to work for it, and I have to fully commit myself and I have to learn how to express myself and I have to communicate and I have to do all of these things, and I think that that's really where the real change came from was not being so ashamed when things fall apart or things don't go my way. You know, like things happen, and I think that the most important thing is that you don't shut down, that you just keep moving forward, and so that's what I really try to do. Um, you know, I try my my best to do that with us and with the things going on in my life so things don't fall apart.
SPEAKER_01You do a great job.
SPEAKER_03Thanks, girl.
SPEAKER_01Um it just feels different. And I know we've had other podcast episodes where it's like, why we're not married, why we're not getting married. And again, like we're gonna do these things at our own pace. But I think for the first time in our relationship, you've always said this, like I can marry you tomorrow. And I'm like, what does that even mean? But I feel that way.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, you know, and I don't even think I knew what it meant before, you know.
SPEAKER_01You didn't? I didn't think you did.
SPEAKER_03I'm glad you mentioned that. I think it was just something honest. I just it's something I just wanted. I didn't really know why I wanted it or what it meant to want it. But now it's like I know what it means to to be on the receiving end of it, or I know what it means to like give it to you, you know?
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And that's how I feel. And I feel as though you know what I there's this shift in our relationship that happened where I truly feel like you understand the weight and the gravity of what a long-term partnership means and the work that it takes, and me as well. Yeah, you know, I understand what it means and the work that it takes. And I think when you're young, it's really cute to be like, oh my God, I'd marry you tomorrow, or let's get married, or let's be married, or whatever, right? But when you really feel the responsibility to somebody in the way that I feel like you're responsible for me, it totally changes the dynamic. And it gives both of us this new confidence of nothing could break us. Nothing is gonna get in the way of this. And this is a long-term forever partnership that I don't see anything getting in the way of. And a lot of that is like your growth and your confidence and your optimism to be able to stick through things when they're hard, yeah, and to focus on the positive outcome. And like I said, like I never really wanted to be married ever, but to think about getting to be able to marry you, it's like a gift, you know.
SPEAKER_03Um, I think that there's yeah, I think it's just like it's a prize at the end of this like insane maze that we've gone through that it was our relationship. You know what I mean? Like all the things we've gone through, all the obstacles and uh the hard times and all the great times, everything that we've been to, like it's almost like it's the prize at the end of that, you know. Like it's it's we made it. It really does feel like that. And I think it's because we we treated it as such, you know what I mean? We didn't think, oh, let's just get married, you know what I mean? We'll figure it out later. You know, we we didn't just jump into marriage and think that it would solve our problems, we solved our problems and then jumped into marriage.
SPEAKER_01I was talking to my mom the other day, and I said, you know, I'm really ready to marry Grant. Like I'm ready for us to take that step if we take that step. And sh I said, she said, Well, something, something, marriage is hard work. I said, Not my marriage. My marriage is gonna be absolute bliss.
SPEAKER_03We put in the work.
SPEAKER_01That's what I said. Yeah she was like, No, marriage is really hard and this and that, and blah, blah. I said, respectfully, we've been together almost 10 years, and we have gone through more than what typical average married couples go through. Yeah, and we didn't try to slap a band-aid on our relationship by getting married and hoping that it would fix whatever was broken. We actually did the hard work of working through it and didn't force ourselves to stay committed to one to one another by getting married, which happens a lot.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, you know, a lot of people think it'll get them out of their phone.
SPEAKER_01We're going through a hard time. Let's get married so I can force myself to be committed to you. No, we chose to continue to date. That means we chose each other on another level. That people who are married don't get to choose each other. Most people they get married because that's what they feel like they need to do, and they work through the marriage because they're married, not because of the love that they have for each other. Yeah. Where you and I have that opportunity and that privilege because we've been dating long enough.
SPEAKER_03We could have left this entirely. We could have been left.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it would have just been easy, cut and dry.
SPEAKER_03Yep.
SPEAKER_01But we chose each other through all of the hard times. And I think that that's a privilege that people who are married don't have. Because there are a lot of people, like I said, not everybody, but there are a lot of married couples who are just getting married because they're like, something's wrong here, but getting married will fix it. Yeah. Whereas we worked through every single time.
SPEAKER_03They've got the list, they've got the checklist. And now it's time to just check off a husband. You know, and all it all it really looks like is a checklist. You know, it's kind of similar to what we were talking about of like uh in that in another episode of, you know, there's a lot a lot of men out there that see women as just baby machines. You know what I mean? Like, yes, it's their wife, and they probably love them, but the idea of having children is like way more, you know, their goal than having a great relationship and getting a wife and having this, you know, um this real connection with your wife, other than just having kids, yeah. Um, so yeah, I mean, I think that there's a lot of people that just jump into marriage and it's something that we we're not doing, you know. We are taking the time, and I think that there's a lot of people who don't understand that, like your mom. I don't like it. Well, my mom understands that no, but I mean, like things like what you said of well, you know, marriage is is you know, it's this and it's hard work and it's that, and it's like but it's gonna be a breeze for us because it was already hard work. We put in the work, you know what I mean? We really put in the hard work. So I think that we're just that's what we've been doing. We've just been make creating that foundation for us.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think that our marriage is gonna be absolutely bliss.
SPEAKER_03We're creating the standard for us too.
SPEAKER_01Like, I think that there are some people who are like, oh my god, marriage is hard, marriage is hard, because they're having those hard conversations now in a relationship that is binding. So it makes those hard conversations more difficult to approach.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Versus we had all those hard conversations, we had all those fights, we had all those breakups, we had gone through it. We we went through everything. So now marriage is just like the cherry on top. And I would say for people who want to get married, ask yourself why. You know, I want to be somebody, there's so many people out here. I want to be somebody's wife.
SPEAKER_03That's it. You yeah, that's it.
SPEAKER_01You can be anybody's wife.
SPEAKER_03I know, yeah.
SPEAKER_01I want to be somebody's soulmate, I want to be the love of somebody's life, I want to be adored, I want to have a family with somebody that cares about me and wants to start a family with me. There's so I think that marriage is a vanity metric that too many people subscribe to and they don't really have an idea of what marriage is. They just know that it's the next thing.
SPEAKER_03It's just so it's a ring. It's a ring, it's a proposal and it's a wedding.
SPEAKER_01And a title.
SPEAKER_03That's it.
SPEAKER_01And they go through life. Um, they go through life amplifying and platforming that as the best thing that could ever happen. And yes, marriage is great, but when you only look at it as something to be checked off of a list, you're not really answering or acknowledging what marriage really means. And I think that enough, I don't think that enough people are talking about that. You know, and it goes back to the questions I was asking you. You'd be like, I want to get married to you. Okay, well, what does it mean to be a husband to you? Then you would give me some half-assed answer, and I'd be like, Okay, so you don't know what it means. And I I didn't know what it meant to be a wife at that time. So it wasn't like you need to give a good answer because I have a good answer. We both weren't at a place where we had answers, and now we do. And I think that people need to ask themselves, oh, I want to have I want to get married. Why, sir? What does it mean to you to be a husband? I want to be a wife. Why, girl? What does it mean to you to be a wife? What does marriage mean?
SPEAKER_03There's there's not there's no depth to it other than a title for for some people, you know. I think that there has to be so much more depth there than just a husband and wife. Like there's people and there's there's uh a life behind a husband and wife, you know what I mean? And there's a connection and a foundation that should be there, not just oh, that's that's my husband or oh, that's my wife. You know, it's not that simple. There should be so much more meaning to that, yeah, than just a label.
SPEAKER_01And it's funny because you know, we don't get a lot of hate on it, um, not being married, but people I think people just assume that we're married.
SPEAKER_03People assume that we're married, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, but that's because our connection's amazing. That's what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01But what I think what I think is fascinating is when people find out that we're not married, they immediately start to doubt the strength of our relationship. But our relationship is a testament to how strong we are and even stronger than most marriages because we consistently every day choose to be with one another. People who are dating long term, in my opinion, are more committed than people who are married. And I think that people who are married are using, oh, well, I'm married, so I'm more committed to my partner than you, or you just thought it was the next thing you had to do, and so you did it.
SPEAKER_03Again, there are some stuck in this marriage box, and it's a lot harder for you to just give up or leave. Where, like we said, That's my point. We could just we could just leave, you know, and no paperwork, no nothing, no lawyers, nothing. We could just leave, but we choose to be with each other every day.
SPEAKER_01That's my point. Yeah, that's exactly my point is oh, well, you're not married, so your relationship isn't as strong as me and my husband's marriage or me and my wife's marriage. Yeah, but at the same time, we choose each other every single day, no binding paperwork. Yeah, that to me is a stronger commitment because a lot of people, like we've been talking about, are just getting married for the vanity metric. Not everybody, but a lot of people are getting married for the vanity metric. And so I really hate to see long-term relationships being shit on because people act like, oh, if you're not married, then your relationship doesn't mean anything. And there's these two creators, I don't know their names. They're Asian, maybe they're Filipino, and they're like these are telling me about that. Yeah, they're these big TikToker influencer couples. I don't know either of their names, but he has this like tribal tattoo, she's super cute, and they just had a baby. Yeah, I don't know their name. Um out of wedlock, they had a baby. Sure. Out of wedlock. You know, they're they're together long term. I think they've been together like 12 years.
SPEAKER_03But that was the issue, right? With people, right?
SPEAKER_01And they had a baby, and um they never really come up on my FYP or my for you page or my explore page, but when they did, it was always just like cute couples, trends, fun stuff, they're adorable. And then when they were pregnant, I saw them come up on my page and I was like, oh my god, good for them. And I went to the comments, everybody was like, a baby and no ring, a baby and no ring. Not everybody's relationship is defined by marriage. I know. And you have to honor that in somebody because imagine how much security you have to have to be with somebody for 12 years and give them a baby and not fall into the pressure of we need to get married in order for me to feel like this is real and this is secure. I think that there's a lot of value in that.
SPEAKER_03I think that that shows having a baby before getting married shows how much you wanted a baby and that you're not just having kids because it's the next step. That's like we couldn't, we didn't want to, we didn't want to wait to get married. We just did it. You know what I mean? And we felt like it was the right time. And we were more passionate about this, you know, like that that shows that they were passionate about having children. Not that, oh, it's just the next check that I can check off the list. Like, you know, we got married, now we have the kids. That's like every couple, that's like probably 80% of the people that get married, that's the next thing on the list is having a kid. That's what we're supposed to do. Whether you are ready for it or not. Yeah. And I always see the thing, I always see guys, and I have some friends, where you know, they get engaged because they're like, oh, she keeps pressing me, she wants the ring, she wants the ring, she wants the ring, you know. And I'm like, dude, don't just get married because your your girlfriend is like so gung-ho about getting a ring and doing the proposal. And like, I think that's become like another stigma in society of like, oh, you gotta you gotta push him, you gotta make sure that he uh gets you that ring. You know what I mean? If you want it, you gotta make sure that you're vocal about it and tell him, oh, when's when when am I gonna get my ring? You know, it's been this long in our relationship. Where's my ring? Where's my ring? You know, I think that's like a thing that has been established of oh, it's funny and cute to like do that. You know what I mean? Like I feel like they do that in in romantic comedies, they always show that dropping hints, marry me, dropping hints, yeah, and yeah, all these things. And it's always the guy's like, oh, well, I guess I'll do it. And he's you know what I mean. It's always it should be mutual, wanting to get married, wanting to propose to somebody. It should be the guy's idea. You know what I mean? It should be the man's idea to be like, you know what, I want to get that ring and I want to propose to you because I love you more than anything and of everything we've gone through, and we're ready for that. You know what I mean? Not because, oh, she wants it, she wants the ring.
SPEAKER_01That's so depressing to me. There was something we were watching. Oh, it was a would you rap? No, it was a um uh Reddit podcast. And they were like, This girl was bugging her boyfriend about let's get married, let's get married, and he was like, Okay, might as well. I'd be devastated if I had a might as well proposal. I don't know how y'all are out here doing that.
SPEAKER_03Might as well proposal, that's such a good way to put it.
SPEAKER_01I don't know how y'all are having these might as well proposals where you're pressing a man, marry me, marry me, marry me. And he's like, Okay, well, let me go find a ring. What's your ring?
SPEAKER_03Ladies, if he's not proposing to you, he's not ready. He's not ready for it. You guys aren't ready for it. You both have to be ready for it to do it.
SPEAKER_01But that's not to say that there are that there are not some men who are just trying to, you know, that's not to say that there's not some men that don't want to get married and so they don't prioritize it. Because if there is a woman and getting married is a priority to her, then sh and she's with somebody that's not prioritizing marriage. If that's important to her, then she should go seek that. Our relationship dynamic is not a good idea.
SPEAKER_03You should obviously have that communication. You should talk about that. If that if you want marriage and he doesn't want marriage, and I'm not saying that he doesn't want marriage, I'm just saying, like, clearly it's not time for it if it's not on his mind, if it's not on your guys' mind, both. It needs to be on both of your minds to uh commit to something like that together. When one person is just pressuring the other consistently, that's the yeah, that's not gonna come from a natural place in the guy of like, oh, this is what I want. It's what she wants, it's not what you want.
SPEAKER_01I feel like the might as well proposal people end up being the same men who are at bachelor parties, like, yeah, this is my last night of freedom.
SPEAKER_03Yep, you know. If I ever found out you should be able to get it, or they probably will cheat, or they won't see eye to eye in the future, or like something, you know, something even um more permanent will probably happen of oh now I want a baby. Now I want a baby. When are we gonna have a baby? When am I when are you gonna get me pregnant? You know what I mean? Then once you're like, all right, I'll give you a kid, and you had a what would you call it? What a might as well proposal, and you have a might as well kid, that's even more permanent. You know what I mean? There's like no going back on that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03So I think that you get pushed into um these positions where you're you might not be ready for, you know, may and maybe it is because you're not ready to do it with this person or whatever it may be.
SPEAKER_01But and that can go both ways.
SPEAKER_03It can go both ways, of course.
SPEAKER_01You know, there there are men, I'm sure, that are pressuring women, let's get married, let's get married, let's get married. She's like, no, that definitely goes both ways. But you know, our relationship dynamic and the relationship dynamic of that couple who I don't know what their ethnic background is. Hopefully, I was correct with the Filipino thing. Sorry if I wasn't, I don't know. Um, our dynamic and their dynamic is not for everybody.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01What we have dating for 10 years, long-term relationship for 10 years without marriage is not for everybody. So we're not criticizing people who are married and who want to be married.
SPEAKER_03We're just sharing our experience.
SPEAKER_01We're sharing our experience, and we're asking you if you are not yet married, why do you want to be married? Like it's important to answer those questions. Yes, you can care about the tradition, you can care about the wedding, you can care about all of the like, you know, vanity metrics for lack of better phrase around it. But like, really, what does it mean to you to be a wife? Because I hate seeing people who are in relationships because they might as well. I might as well get married, we might as well get proposed, I might as well have a kid. Like, you're not gonna be happy living a might as well life. So that's why I think that if you're gonna take these big steps and make these huge decisions, if you do have the mental capability and the wherewithal to think about what that actually means to you. What does it mean to you to be a wife? Let's define that. What does it mean to you to be a husband? Let's define that a parent, let's define that. And then you go into that decision better informed rather than doing it because you might as well.
SPEAKER_03And when you communicate that to one another, then you both are on the same page, you both know exactly where you're at. Yeah, you know what I mean? So you have more confidence, knowing like, oh, this is what she wants from me. This is what I want to give to her, and we've communicated that. You know what I mean? Like, there's no, there's no questions there, there's no um, there's there's nothing there that you don't already know. You know, and I think it's just it's better to overprepare for something like marriage and having a kid.
SPEAKER_01I know a lot of you guys are like, this is a cope, this is a cope. No, it's not. No, it's not okay. People live untraditional lives, but um, I think that's pretty much gonna be it for this episode. We'll drop some relationship advice. My relationship advice. Just goes back into the theme of this episode, which is if you're gonna take that next step in your life, really think about it. Look at what that means for you, look at the context of how you're living and if that makes sense. And then also, ladies, respectfully never beg a man for a proposal. Yeah. Sorry, unpopular opinion.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, going into my advice, like I don't think that that will ever work out for somebody. If you have to, if you have to pressure this person to make such a huge commitment to you because you think it's cute, because like a proposal's cute, it's what they do in the movies, you know what I mean? Like, I think people get too stuck in that mindset of how you know, they don't see how serious it is.
SPEAKER_01I think it's really just about defining the why. You know, if if you want to get married to a woman or a guy, you should define the why of why you want to marry this person, not just because it's next. Why do you want to marry this person? We want people to be in long-term relationships and happy like us. We did all the legwork, we went through all the hard stuff, and it's so that we can tell you how to go through it.
SPEAKER_03It's really to make sure that you're not settling either. Like that's the main point, too, is like you shouldn't settle for men or women. You know, like you shouldn't settle, you should know the why, you should um get all of these details on the table.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And then what's your relationship advice?
SPEAKER_03Uh, my relationship advice is yeah, just I think that kind of going into what I was saying, like, I don't think you should have to pressure one another um to get what you want in a relationship. I think that you guys should just be on the same page.
SPEAKER_01And that's gonna wrap it up for this episode on marriage besties. We love you guys so much, but I do want to say and very much reiterate, we are not hating on people who are married. We just don't think you should be getting married because you think it's next.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Get married because it is your desire, because you're in love with this person. Yeah. Get married with intention. Don't get married to check it off your checklist. And I'm sure a lot of our bestie nation are married. Congratulations. Please drop into the comments how you knew your partner was the one for you. We would love to hear it because you know we love a good love story. But you guys are the absolute best. We will see you guys soon. If you have any questions for us, always free feel free to ask. And then if you want to submit us a listener letter, drop it to our listener letter forum. You guys are the best. We love you, besties. Thanks for hanging out with us. We'll see you later.
SPEAKER_03Bye.
SPEAKER_01I love you. I love you. You want to marry me? Yes.